Upside Down and Inside Out

Scared Shitless

The sound of Jen pulling up my long gravel driveway met my ears and I woke with a start. Throwing on some clothes and running out to meet them I hoped in the back seat.

"Sorry guys, overslept."

Kiara only rolled her eyes at me, knowing I was up half the night doing who knows what.

The ride to school was short and quiet, all of us tired and in our own world. Walking into the building I sit down, open up my phone and begin typing, taking the place of my usual book.

The rest of the day went in like any other, good morning kisses, the sitting and watching me over my shoulder, and the side conversations that piped up here and there. The bell wrang, scooping up my book and putting my phone to sleep I took your hand and walked out of the building and to my first class. With a peck goodbye and our normal "go to class" routine, we both enter our the separate rooms.

•••

Second and third period flew by and I was waiting for you at the top of the stairs. We stood, we talked, and you went to class. That particular lunch dragged on for me. Every minute felt like 5 and I couldn't handle it. Headed down to the cafeteria to try and socialize I found everyone sitting at their usual table. Feeling out of place I walked over to the cougar den, grabbed a couple of kickstarts, and headed back upstairs to read in silence. The shimmery gold pattern on the floor tended to ward off unwanted visitors, but McKyle still came over. Beginning to feel uneasy I pulled my knees into my chest. Eyes widening, hands shaking I pulled them into my sleeves, just waiting for him to leave. My lunch nearing its end he waves and walks away. Hiding my face on top of my knees and wrapping my arms behind my head, gripping my hair the bell sounds. Almost completely lost in my own world of fear you walk up, take my hands and try and help me to stand.

My legs numb and my arms limp I stare blankly down the emptying hallway.

"What's up?"

"I'm ok."

"That's not what I asked, you just proved my point."

"I'm ok."

Sitting beside me you pull me into your arms, holding me against your chest, your heart beating against it like its trying to break free. Nothing, no response from me. I didn't move unless you moved me, and nothing came out of my mouth.

Breaking the silence I quietly ask what time it is.

"I-I need to get to class..."

Standing I grab my thing, hugging my black pull string bag to my chest like its the only thing keeping me alive. Standing up suddenly you walk beside me, watching me the whole way. Taking a deep shakes breath I put the bag on my shoulders, and go to walk into my classroom. Takin me by the wrist gently you pull me aside, your forehead against mine.

"I'm ok." I repeat like a broken record.

"No your not Katie."

"I'm ok."

Our friend Shauna walks up, "Heeey, you ok?"

"Go away Shauna" ou nearly growl "Nows not the time for your shit."

"I'm ok, don't worry about me."

That last line just added fuel to the flames already burning behind your eyes, but she walked away.

"Katie, what. Is. Wrong?"

"I need to go to class."

Taking a deep breath you pull me in closer and hug my trembling body. Kissing my forehead you let me go. Walking into my classroom I find my seat and the shaking becomes worse. Kirstie, begging for my attention like a kitten, paws at me and tried to get me to talk. Nothing. No response, I jus stared blankly at the board, a pen in my hands. Grabbing a price of paper she places it on my desk and I scribble out the words 'anxiety attack', the handwriting barely legible, but she got the message.

Standing and helping me out of the classroom and into the hallway we sit. Not a moment after I had handed her my phone to get your number you were there. Sitting beside me you stared as she explained what was going on. Your hand on my knee and you arm behind me I held on to the back of my neck and we sat in continued silence.

You on my left and Kirstie on my right we sat. Slowly I began clawing at my neck, not able to feel the pain. After awhile you end up take ing my left hand.

"Your scratching the hell out of your neck, you need to stop."

Taking my right hand Kirstie sits there. Gently you kiss my knuckles and press your forehead to the back of my hand, the trembling slowing. My breathing slowly begins to return to its normal, less sporadic rate as you prepare to leave. The second half of your class period was about to start and you couldn't afford to skip today. Leaning your head up against mine I can feel your breath.

"You scared the shit out of me. Please just tell me ok?"

Nodding my head slightly you kiss my forehead before standing and leaving.

"I love you" you call back as you continue walking. Barely audible I whisper "I love you too."