Upside Down and Inside Out

Cinder Block Walls

Stuffed into the back seat of a Kitsap County cruiser, hands cuffed behind my back and seat belted into the thick, cold plastic seating that covered my portion of the car. The ride was mostly silent besides the officers talking to each other and a crackle here and there from the radio.

"Have you ever veen arrested before?"

Silance. They had already read me ny rights, and if I had been arrested before they would know. They keep neat and tidy records of all the "slip ups" in our sleepy little county.

"Do you know where your going?"

Another bout of silance. I wasnt going to give them the satisfaction of scribbeling what I say on their little note pad. I knew where I was going. I also knew they were speeding without their flashing lights on, other cases active based on their little computer sitting on a stand on the dash. I may not look like much, but Im not stupid. After awhile thr passenger cop caught me staring at the dinly lit moniter and partially closed the lid. I shot him a glare in the head lights of a passing car and continued to say nothing.

My cuffs were suprizingly loose. I slipped one of my hands out of it with little struggle and rubbed my other wrist for a moment and sat back comfortably. Once we reached Gourst, I had to work it back on. A few moments of tiral and error tryi g to stuff my small hand INTO the cuff, I faked a coughing bout it secure myself back into the modern day manicles with ease.

"You okay back there?" the officer glanced into the rear view mirror with an arched eyebrow as I finished my coughing spell and nodded. Turning his eyes back to the road I leaned back and waited.

°°°

Blinding light filled the car as we approached the juvinial detention center. I sat up a little bit straighter, my wrists scraping uncomfortably against the plastic. The officers asked for permission to drive through the old adm lift gate. Permission was granted and we drove up to a huge garrage door and were let through. They got out of the vehicle and left me in the back seat alone. Panic started to well up in my chest once more. It was dark, my hands were bound, and it was getting hard to breath in the cramped car. Tears began to prick the egdes of my eyes and spill over my lashes silently. One of the officers opened the door, and I swear with every fiber of my being that he smirked at my tears. Panic suddenly dissapeared and was replaced with pure hatred. I stood, jerking my arm away from any assistance and set my jaw. I tightened the cuffs on myself until it hurt, leaving red marks deep into my wrists. They led me inside with out touching me and said nothing. I stopped at all the markers and waited till a detention officer released me from the cuffs, noting the now exstensive bruising.

°°°

My cell was small and cold. The toilet didnt work, the jumpsuit was as thin as it was orange, and everything smelled of bleach covered piss. My first few moments were spent in silance. I had done it, crossed that inevitable line and wound up here.

Tears pricked at my eyes once more and slid down my cheeks in silance. To exhausted to to cry, really cry, I sat on the blue plastic coated cot and let them fall. Not long after my liquid feelings began to escape the prision behind my eyes, I couldnt take the silance any more. "I Dreamed a Dream" spilled from my lips, starting as a slow trickle, gathering every emotion I had felt that night, turinging the words into a waterfall of notes. My eyes closed I poured my heart and sould into that waterfall, all of my energy systemaitcly dissapearing with every word. By the time I had finished it was nearly 2AM and I was dead tired. I wadded up one of the scratchy blankets I was given and laid down and closed my eyes. No sleep came that night or early morning so I waited. I waited and waited till the haze of grey seeped through my fogged window signaling morning had finaly come.

The rest of that stay was a blur, sitting and waiting, refusing my meals, and more sitting and waiting until my parents picked me up and we left.

The fighting ensued and quite honestly got worse before anythi g got better, but maybe thats what had to happen, maybey things have to get worse to get better for alot of people.