𝙏𝙝𝙚 𝙁𝙞𝙜𝙝𝙩𝙚𝙧'𝙨 𝙂𝙞𝙧𝙡

Ch.26 - The Irrational Urges

I'm in trouble.

Dean and I aren't necessarily the happiest people at the moment. If someone were to get a glimpse of us now, moving speedily down this street of small inner-city stores, clothing boutiques and beauty supply shops, it wouldn't be too difficult to see this wasn't exactly a more favorable moment of the day. Considering the wordless frowns gracing our faces, it seemed like it downright sucked. With nothing more than his gym shorts and sleeveless hoodie, today's frigid fall wind was nipping at Dean's skin, leaving him with an uncomfortable frown. If only that were my problem. I wish that were my problem.

My steps continue in pace slightly behind his, each step, making me wish the pavement would have mercy and swallow me whole.

At certain points in life, people find themselves doing something -feeling something- that makes no sense. Irrational actions fueled by things inside that are just a bit too deep to touch, let alone for one to wrap their head around. Almost as if some creature broke loose and plowed straight through any wall of reasoning. Today, and probably a little bit into my foreseeable future, I was one of those people.

Because dear god almighty, did I have an issue.

Since I've met him, it's always felt like I couldn't think straight around Dean. He drew too many different emotions out of me, too many troublesome thoughts. They always jumbled around inside of me as a confused mess. Yet, I kept coming around him, kept thinking about him. Because I needed him for teaching, I always thought. And still do. I needed him to teach me. I needed his skills to fight my own demons.

But, that wasn't the only truth that tied me to this irritating, sharp-witted hothead.

I liked him.

The words sent another jolt of electricity through my body despite this being, what? The third, fourth....fifth time I've repeated it in my head. God, I can't even count anymore!

I honestly liked Dean Sawyer. I may be brave enough to admit it, but like most irrational urges, I had little control over it. And how this revelation came.....just as unexpectedly. At the gym, he had wanted to get me used to fast footwork, so he put me to work with jump rope drills for agility training. He observed me for a while, studying my form as I bounced up and down like an energized bunny. I was supposed to be keeping a mental count, but instead as always I was preoccupied with his gaze. Those blue eyes had been in trainer mode, watching every exact movement for any need of correction. When I was done, without having to be corrected even once, he nodded with approval and sent me to work on a speed bag, where only minor adjustments were needed.

With most things he taught me, I was a fast learner. And I could tell that some part of him was actually a little pleased with my proficiency. So when I looked up at the satisfied grin gracing his face, the action struck me right to the core, like a dam suddenly breaking lose. For the rest of the time, my eyes kept being drawn to his entirety. The way he moved, the way he spoke, his interactions with others; I just kept finding myself glimpsing in his direction every few moments. And the moment I realized exactly what I was doing everything hit me.

The pieces suddenly fit, and a surge of emotion had twisted my stomach into such a knot that my knees almost gave out from under me.

It wasn't just teenage hormones or random attraction. Dean was good-looking, wickedly attractive. But, this went deeper. It crept into areas it wasn't meant to be in. Did I fully understand why? No. Did I wish it weren't true? Yes. Had I liked other people before? Of course. But this feeling was....different than the others. Instead of a slow, warm process of growing, this was strong and sudden slap in the face. Almost as if it had long been screaming to make it's presence known and now that my formerly deaf ears had finally heard it, it was chiding me for not noticing it's existence earlier. And it wasn't about to be locked up again without a fight.