blue: his eyes | k.ji

thirty six

without even hesitating, i ran into the ocean, instantly being greeted by freezing cold water. i struggled to keep my speed up, pushing past the waves as hard as i could as i yelled for her over and over again. please reply, say something.

by this time i already knew that she was gone but i couldnt stop myself from going after her. when i finally reached where she was floating freely on the surface of the ocean, i pulled her towards me and wrapped my arms around her limp body as tight as i could. i was trying to protect her in my embrace but it was too late, i came too late. my heart was beating uncontrollably fast while hers just rested against my chest.

i tried to put her arms over my shoulders but every time i tried, they would just slide off. this isnt real, it cant be real. i kept having to hold her head in place so that it wouldnt roll back.

my brain couldnt function properly and i was so confused as to why she would do this. why? i kept yelling. but i already knew why she would do this.

all of our memories flashed through my mind at the speed of light, the time we kissed on the day of her birthday, going to spring fun fairs, making her watch scary movies with me just so that i could cuddle her small, shivering body, buying her chocolate everytime that she sulked to get her to talk to me, speaking on the phone late at night because she simply couldn't go to sleep, i remembered everything.

the bad ones, i remembered them too, even more vividly. like the time when i witnessed her hurting yourself in the corner of her room, the blood that dripped from her fresh wounds had made me feel uneasy and light headed, that day when i walked her to her house and began hearing faint screams as soon as she closed the door, i was panicking. all the memories were making it hard for me to breathe. the pain in my chest was suffocating me, killing me.

i screamed at the top of my lungs and cried loudly until i didnt have the energy to do so anymore. somehow, with sore muscles and the remaining energy that i had, i pulled her through the water with me towards the shore.

there, i layed her on the sand, held onto her cold hand and placed desperate, helpless kisses on the back of it.

my whole world was crumbling down around me and i didnt know what to do. i wanted to call for emergency help but i couldnt bring myself to leave her in the cold.

so instead, i just closed my eyes hoping that this was all a nightmare and that it would end soon. i told myself to calm down and to look for some sort of help but no matter how hard i tried, i couldnt get up from my spot nor could i keep my tears from pouring from my eyes, just like the pouring rain above us.

i love you, so much.