Losing Charley

Chapter 8 Part 1

Joe and I keep our talking to a minimum in Freshman Seminar on Monday. I don't exactly know what he's thinking, but I know what's on my mind. I like everything about him. His fine ass body, his dance moves, his voice, his smile, his crystal blue eyes, and the way he makes me feel. I also know how I feel about Cash. He's my rock, anchor, always there no matter what, knows the good, bad, and ugly, loves me unconditionally, and has always been the country boy in my little country fairytale.

As I'm pondering my thoughts, I hear Joe. "Hey, you okay? You seem like something's on your mind." I shrug my shoulders. I know that I decided to take things slow with Cash, but I also want to live my life here. I think the living here is going to include Joe. I don't want to be one of those girls who lead a guy on. They always pissed me off when I was in high school.

"I'm okay. Just got some stuff to think about."

"Well, I'm here if you need to talk. I mean, I hope it's not me."

How do I ignore that comment? I try to shrug it off and change the subject, but that doesn't happen. As class ends, Joe makes sure to get my attention. I know that he has something to ask.

"So, we had a great time at Hank's. Are you all going again this week?"

"Yeah, we did have a great time. I'm not really sure about the plans for this weekend. That's too far out. My birthday is Friday though, and we're planning to have a party on the hall. You should come."

"I think I might have to take you up on that."

As we walk across campus, I decide to let him know what I'm thinking.

"Joe, I do have something I need to talk to you about." I want to tell him what is going on, but I know I can't share everything with him. He just needs to know what to expect from me, or rather, what not to expect.

"Oh, okay. You wanna go somewhere? We could grab a bite to eat somewhere off campus if you want."

"Um, maybe let's just walk and talk. I found a nice trail the other day when I ran."

"Oh." I can hear and see his disappointment.

We make our way to the trail after stopping to drop our books off in my dorm room.

"What is it you need to talk about?"

"Joe, I just need to be upfront with you. Do you remember when I met you at the soccer party and I told you there was a lot you didn't know about me?" He nods. Well, most of it I don't want to talk about, but I don't want to give you the wrong impression either. I had so much fun with you Saturday and at the party, but I just want to enjoy college. I just don't want you to think that I'm leading you on in anyway."

We walk a few minutes before Joe speaks. "Since the day I saw you at that god-awful freshman get-to-know-you activity, I wanted to know you more. I don't know what you have been through, but I can see a strong person inside. I just have one question. Is there someone else? I'm not saying I want us to be an item, I just want to know."

"Yes," I manage to say. I walk with my hands in my pockets. I'm unsure if I should elaborate. After what feels like forever, I finally decide to tell him about Cash.

"Can we sit a minute?" I point to a fallen down tree trunk.

"Sure."

"I've mentioned my best friend Cash. He has been there for me through a lot of shit. I've loved him my entire life, even when I wouldn't admit it. I don't know what will happen between us now that I am not home. I just need you to know he's still in the picture."