I Am Me

school (2)

"So..." Sarah presses over the phone, "how'd it go?" 

"It. It was. He was sweet...."

"Yes, I know that, he's my cousin! Tell me more, come on! What was he wearing?"

"A beannie, red-ish plaid shirt, black jacket, grey connies*, skinny jeans. Not really restaurant attire mind you," I say into the receiver, recalling last night, "And yes, your cousin. You forgot to mention that part." 

"You don't just think he's sweet. You think he's cute, you like him," She teases, "Only someone head over heels would remember all that." She says, forgetting (most likely on purpose) to answer the part about being his cousin. 

"One, the term 'head over heels' is usually followed by 'in love'. I'm not 'in love' with him. And two, even if I did think he's cute, which I kind of do, nothing's going to come of it. Recall the other realtionships I've had? Proabably not because I havn't had any."

"There was that guy in-"

"Sarah, that doesn't count. Want to know why guys don't notice me? It's because I'm clumsy, awkward and I have anxiety. I'm not just worried sometimes, I'm worried all the time. What guy in his right mind would want to handle all of that for any amount of time?"  

"Taya shut up! You're beautiful, smart, intelligent. You're amazing okay! So stop kicking your self in the gut all the time. I care about you Tay, you think I couldn't have just as easily walked out on our friendship. "

"But that's different, Sarah. You're a friend. It's not the same commitment-"

She cuts me off, "Stop making excuses alright! Now mum's calling so I'll have to go, you know what she's like. Night babe. See you tomorrow. Stay positive. Love ya."

"Bye..." I cut the call and throw my phone softly to the end of my bed. I rest my head on the bed post and close my eyes. I just wish I could escape, go somewhere where everything is... better. But I can't because I'm here, in my room, with my brothers excuse for music blasting from down the corridor.  

I walk over to the set of draws that sits between my bookshelf and the window. I grab a singlet and a pair of blue pajama bottoms and change into them, ready for a good nights sleep. At least in my dreams I'm a different person. 

* * * *

The school bus pulls into the depot where Sarah and I are waiting. It just so happens that the nearest bus stop happens to be the depot, we don't have any other reason to go there. I think Sarah has finally accepted the fact that when on a bus I don't like to talk. It's a place where I can really do some reflecting, kind of like the shower except in the shower there's no one to bother you.

We take our seats in the middle area of the bus and wait the usual five minutes before actually departing the depot. I've become so used to the route and scenery of the bus that the view doesn't interest me anymore, giving more attention to my reflecting. The same boring, grey buildings. Each one like the other. I like routine though, it helps keep my anxiety under control and this daily reflection lets me improve each day... or in many cases revisit the not so good moments of the past few days. 

It was my first date in almost, well, I havn't been on my dates in my life time and I guess as far as they've gone this one was pretty good. Charlie was cute, and funny, which is a good thing too. He also asked for my number afterwards, that made my stomach flip. At least in an excited way this time. But on the other hand, I made a complete fool of myself in front of him. Thank goodness he doesn't go to the same school as us, I would have recognized him if he had of. 

Sarah was sitting next to me, typing away on her phone. Some of her light brown hair had come loose from her bun and was hanging elegantly past her shoulders. I nudge her to get her attention. We've arrived at our stop.

She looks up from her phone, dazed. "What were you doing on there?" I asked, conserned about her. 

"I was just playing a game," She says as if it was the most stupid question to ask. 

"Well that makes sense, I guess." 

School's a five minute walk from the bus stop so it doesn't take us long to get there and already into our first class. It's only the start of the year, the pressure isn't packed on so much yet so I'm glad for that. Most of my classes are with Sarah and the rest well, I guess I'll get some work done. 

I set my books down at the desk next to Sarah who had already ran in to save her seat which by "coincidence"happens to be right next to Daniel Hamley: the boy with the sparkling eyes - according to her at least. 

I poke the side of her arm with the end of a pencil and motion with my head towards Daniel when I get her attention. She gives me the biggest smile before using her book to wack me in the arm. Sarah's cool, sassy and beautiful. With her perfectly clear skin and amazing ability to never have oily hair it's no surprise she doesn't go one Valentine's day without a card or other gesture. Flirting is her mother tongue yet when it comes to the guy she actually likes, I don't know what happens to her. 

Just as Sarah puts her weapon down Mrs. Leman, our English teacher, walks into the room and rests her neat stack of books on top of the desk. She begins to talk to us about Persuasive texts and all the different tecniques that we can use. She hands out a sheet with a list of them on there to each person at the end of each row of desks to be passed down. 

The paper is passed to Daniel and then to Sarah who's face flashes bright red as his hands brush againsts hers and has to turn and almost burry her face into my shoulder to hide it from the rest of the class. From there she hands me the last piece of paper.

** 

"Taya! Did you see? It was as if we held hands!" Sarah sings as she throws herself dramatically at my locker. 

"And to anyone else it was just handing over a piece of paper. Why don't you go and actually talk to him?" I ask. 

She does that face again, "What do you mean 'talk to him'? I can't just go up and talk to him willy nilly. I need to execute it perfectly. First I'll get him to notice me, and then, we'll get married." I smile. That's what I love about Sarah, she can so openly express her emotions. 

I get my lunch and books for the next periods from my locker and walk towards B corridor as Sarah lets out a heavy sigh. "I wish he would just notice me though..." 

"He will, Sarah. You're amazingness shines so bright there's no way he could miss you. Not to mention that everywhere he goes, you go."

A small smile escapes from the corners of her mouth. "True," she says blankly, but her smile can't help but get wider. 

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* Connies = Australian slang for converse (well at least I use it)