I Am Me

anxiety (prologue)

"So what are you afraid of,

show them what your made of.

The shadows that your sacred of,

are usually your own,

they're not the great unknown"

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Getting to your destination is one of the hardest parts of doing something that you're not 100% sure of. It's the not knowing part that gives me the butterflies in my stomach which quickly make their way to my head where they spiral out of control into black balls of contorted outcomes, most very unlikely, but still cause me to be sent into a panic.

I turn into the parking lot of the restaurant and shakily pin the red carnation to my blouse. I've prepared myself for this, even though I promised that I wouldn't get to this stage again. I left the house half an hour early so that I could get myself back together before I had to go in.

Going through the routine, I take a few long breathes, say a little prayer, switch the radio on and tune it until I find some positive music. I don't believe in drowning myself in sorrow because frankly, it doesn't help. Instead I choose to feed myself with good things, and then good things will come out... at least that's what I'm hoping for.

I recline my chair back a little and try to relax. My muscles start to tense and my mind races. As usual, it's just about now that the thoughts start to flood in again. What if he doesn't like me? What happens if I spill something on him or I embarrass myself? What if he doesn't show up at all? It's all going to go wrong, I just know it.

No! I am not letting this happen to me again. Outside, look outside. Oh, a dead bird, maybe outside isn't such a good idea. The radio! Focus on the radio, Taya. The DJ's talking about something, a song perhaps.

The song starts but I drift off and the thoughts swirl again. What if he's not what I expected? What if I get disappointed? What if I barf or have to use the toilet to much?

Then, as if the radio had just been turned on, the song from before flows into my ears and I begin to actually listen to the lyrics properly. They hit home for me. So powerful yet so simple. It felt like a tonne of bricks were just lifted off of my shoulders. You know what? I can do this, I think to myself. I'm going to go in there and no matter what, I am going to enjoy myself.

I pull down the mirror, fix my hair, dab my eyes and pick up my purse. I reach for the door handle but jump back in shock to see a brown haired boy staring into my window.

"Oh! I'm so sorry, I didn't mean to scare you," He says with a muffled voice. I slowly lean further into the car. Who is this guy? "Ah," he says scratching the back of his head, "It's just that you've been sitting in there for much longer than an hour, I was wondering if you were okay?"

An hour! I'm late!

I open the door, on the other side of the car and get out, running into the building, locking the door of my car once I get to the entrance. What a first impression I'm going to be. Almost breaking a heel, I stumble into the restaurant, not giving another glance to the boy still standing in the car park.

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