Silent Night

Chapter 4

Taylor

Watching her draw so expertly was just incredibly interesting, i could tell she was very good and was very precise and critical about her work. The pen drifted over my skin tickling a little but i held as still as i could, the whole time she drew i couldn't stop thinking about her hand around my wrist holding my arm in place. Ruby's hand was warm and comforting, it felt calming just being close to her. I had to stop my own thoughts before they turned into action because I had only just met this girl. Before long she was finished and I was amazed, it was a beautiful rose and vine curling up my arm gracefully. But it wasn't a girly and bright rose; no it was a dark and realistic looking rose that matched my personality. It's like she actually knows me and my taste. I couldn't stop smiling but Ruby looked at me almost worried that I wasn't going to like it. All I did was look at her and smile in admiration, she really was amazing. Ruby pointed at the drawing

"Do you like it?"

I shake my head and she looks a little disappointed

"No Ruby I love it"

She then smiles and continues to draw on her own arm leaving me to sit back and admire her work. About 3 quarters way through the movie I tap her on her shoulder and lean in so I could whisper.

"Have you ever considered being an artist?"

Ruby contemplates for a moment and then shakes her head

"Not really I mean my mum would be supportive and all but I don't think art is the career for me, I want to be more expressive something in music maybe"

I nod and look back towards the screen trying to figure out what the movie was actually about. Ruby continued to draw until she had covered most of her right arm, she stopped and then frowned

"What's wrong?" I asked

She pouts a little

"My pen ran out of ink"

I giggle and hand her mine

"Here, your use is more important"

Ruby grins and then continues to finish her work of art. When the movie finishes Miss Pallister lets us talk about the movie with the person next to us and what we think the message being conveyed was. I turned to Ruby and was totally honest

"I actually didn't watch any of it but I am guessing it was probably some sappy film about cyber safety or something"

Ruby smirks

"Neither did I but I think it's safe to say you are probably right"

Thank all the gods that the bell went and we were dismissed before we had to answer any questions about the movie, instead the whole class bolted out the door. Ruby and I were last to leave so I invited her to eat lunch with Trisha and I. She agreed and we headed back to our lockers. At this point I had totally forgotten about the beating my father had given me last night and this morning until some idiot decided to slam into me on their way past. The idiot's books and elbow slammed into my ribs and knocked the breath out of me. I gasped and clutched at my side trying not to collapse, Ruby seeing this curses at the person and then runs to my side. She looks at me with concern as I sink to my knees trying not to pass out from the pain. I think I definitely broke or at least fractured a rib last night. Ruby keeps me upright and looks panicked and confused; I nod and try to fake a smile

"I'm fine, just had a fall last night and it's still a little tender"

She shakes her head

"A little? Bullshit, let me see"

"No I am fine ok"

Ruby almost glares at me but backs off obviously realizing that number one, she is not my friend because we only just met and number two, I don't want any help. I stand and hobble to my locker still holding my side; Ruby follows hesitantly and puts her own books away. An awkward silence passes between us and I feel bad for snapping. I turn to apologise but she is already gone.

Mentally slapping myself I start to walk to the toolshed, great way to make new friends, snap at them for being nice. This day was really fucked. When I got to the toolshed Trish wasn't there so I sat alone and thought about my dad. When I was born he looked genuinely happy in the photos and actually seemed to love me. I have no idea what changed but whatever happened it has to be my fault. My mum and him were happy until I came along and now he beats the both of us. Mum's pain is because of me and every day I feel so much guilt it consumes me. I look down and run my fingertips over the old scars scattered up and down my left arm. It felt like a lifetime ago that I used to hurt myself to feel anything other than the pain inflicted by my dad. It was no secret that I had depression and anxiety but I hated when people found out and I hated it more when people asked why. I couldn't tell them what was happening at home, I can't tell anyone. My chest tightened and I realized how alone I really was in this world, even my mum refused to talk about it and wouldn't comfort me for fear of retribution. I reached around for the small razor that I hid in here a long time ago and haven't touched in a long time. My self-control had reached it's ending point and I was done with being strong. I touched the cool metal to my skin and immediately remembered the relief it used to bring. Craving that relief once again, I dragged it across my skin, as the cut opened up I imagined all my pain and hurt seeping out of it with the blood and dripping off my arm. I exhaled and cut again and again down my arm, every cut giving my grief and fear a chance to escape and leave me. By the time I was finished there was blood covering my arm and there was blood droplets on the floor of the toolshed. I tucked my razor back behind a pot and wrapped a bandage I always keep in my bag around my wrist to stop the bleeding. The second I covered them I felt trapped again and I felt fear running through my veins loosing it's escape route. Trish had still not shown so I walked back to my lockers alone to prepare my books for next period. Nobody ever noticed if I cut and showed up with a bandage not even Trish so I knew it wouldn't be an issue.

The hallways were empty so I just sunk down and leant with my back against my locker. I wrapped my arms around my knees and lost it. My life has nothing that I value in it, I don't have anything to look forward to if I wake up. So why wake up at all, it's all meaningless to me now, I don't see why I should finish school and go to university. I have absolutely no idea what I am going to do when I turn 18, of course I want to move out and away from my father but I can't leave my mum. And if I did move out where would I go, what would I do. I am stuck in a never ending hell that has destroyed my life. There is no future for me.

HARD TOPIC TALKED ABOUT IN THIS CHAPTER SO REMEMBER, IF YOU NEED HELP, TALK TO SOMEONE BECAUS