I've always been one of the guys. Whether it was because I have 3 older brothers, they genuinely liked me or because they were scared of my energy, I'll never know. Even if I'd just met them, I either felt like I'd known them my whole life and act crazy, or be insanely shy and stick to the shadows. Whenever one of the guys complimented me, I just laughed it off like I hadn't noticed. But inside I was I was bubbling like a glass of champagne.
And suddenly, ice cold water ran when I saw him, instantly making me alert. I'd known him the year before but not as well as the others. But now he was in all of my table groups. In homeroom, in science, next to me in the computer lab, everywhere. I knew nothing more than his name before this sudden change.
I'll treat him like everyone else. I'll stay calm, and won't act like I'm about to burst when he says my name, I told myself practically every day.
But this was our first and last year together and so I spent most of the time at lunch with him, his buddies and a few of my tomboy friends. And then school ended, summer arrived and we graduated.
And so I decided to tell him what I thought of him.
I remember distinctly saying to him, Hey. It's Chloe. I know we're not classmates any more but maybe that makes me telling you this easier. I really like you. Or rather... I love you, I guess.
And for a few days, he was silent. But when he did respond, my heart leaped in the air as if it had bounced on a trampoline.
Bad things happen though. And let me just say, mistakes were made. Big ones. I didn't know it at the time though. I told him and he said the same words back. And I stupidly believed him. I believed those three words the entire summer. They flew through my head every night like birds. And they were what helped me sleep. I counted how many times I saw them instead of counting sheep.
But it didn't last long.
At the beginning of 6th grade, things were getting spotty. Whenever I emailed him, he wouldn't only typically answer with one word responses if he said anything at all. And that's when I asked him.
Do you actually like me? I would say.
Not really, he responded.
Do you want me to stop emailing you?
He wouldn't respond, as usual. So I would ask him again. I wanted him to tell me. I didn't want him to lie. And finally one day, he spoke.
Leave me alone.
Those few words were a crushing blow to my self esteem. Suddenly, I saw myself as a clingy, self centered brat.
So trying to change who I thought I was, I did. I left him alone. And when I saw him at our first fall reunion, I ignored him. I didn't go over and talk like I did with all of the other guys. I don't think I could actually even stand hearing his voice. I'd crumble into a pile of ashes and blow away.
Looking back, I see that I was changing myself for a guy that had probably forgotten me. I wasn't even consciously doing it though. I was becoming more athletic, less 'nerdy' and I didn't spend nearly the same amount of time with my guy friends. But when I realized I was changing, I also realized it wasn't going to change anything. This made me break down more. But my sister stuck by my side and lead me through it.
When the walls of my heart were falling and I was going to break down and confront him, she built them back up piece by little, broken piece. She was my light in the darkness. My anchor that held my boat steady in rough waters.
And so here I am now. Remembering that people can be liars and life can be like a stab in the back but deep down, I know that I could have avoided the whole situation. But I'm recovered and every night I remember that there are plenty fish swimming around me, my anchor and my boat. And all I need to do is cast my lure out and try again. And maybe this time, instead of a shark, I'll get a koi.
*}{*
Alright guys. Piece #1! One of my personal favorites. Deep and pretty personal but I hope you enjoy. It is a true story but I'm (pretty much ;-;) over him :). Anyways guys, I should probably get back to writing my history essay.... Cya. A goodbyyyyyyyye.
~Skylar
*SoTP: I'll Say My Piece - Chester See (Kind of depressing but fits the story)*
