The One Who's Fallen

Chapter 19

Alright, I must be dreaming still, or hearing things. Because Lexa, the Commander of the 12 clans, wouldn't really want to train me in fighting. Right? Though I admit it would be incredible and awesome, plus I would get to spend more time with her.

"Heda, are you sure that is wise?" Indra questions. "I mean to offense to Clarke kom Skaikru, but Heda you have the 12 clans to rule over. Certainly there are things more important than training her that demand your attention."

"I can spare the time. I assume you divide your time between training with Anya and Nyko?" Lexa waits for me to nod to continue. "I will have plenty of time to work, and I can cancel if there is something extremely urgent. I did train under Anya as well and know her techniques. I will be able to continue her training from where Anya left off. I also have a feeling that if there is a meeting or something pressing, Clarke's opinion may prove useful."

I blink at that, moving my jaw to make sure it hasn't dropped open at Lexa's kind words. I've suspected she approves of me, and maybe even respects me, but to basically admit she wants me as an advisor... She must really trust me, which is something I can tell she doesn't do easily. Either that, or she's going with that Old Earth quote, "keep your friends close and your enemies closer". But I don't think she thinks of me as an enemy. At least I hope she doesn't.

"Sha, Heda." Indra says, dipping her head and accepting Lexa's words.

Lexa nods to her before turning her attention to me. "Clarke. Is today your day to train with Anya or Nyko?"

With all that's going on in my head, my mind isn't clear. "I'm not sure."

"If Heda would like to, she can train you today. I will keep these goufas (children) in line." Nyko assures us.

Ignoring Indra and Anya's protests at being called children, Lexa responds. "Sha, mochof. You may have Clarke assist you tomorrow, or any time you need her help, so long as she is willing." I don't miss how Lexa gives me free will instead of dictating what I'm going to do. "If you will excuse us."

Nyko bows his head and we slip out, the sounds of Anya and Indra complaining (they're so loud and noisy I'm sure I'll be able to hear them from the training ring. It's a miracle it didn't wake me up in my tent this morning) fading as we get further and further away. 

"Are you sure you want to train me?" I ask nervously, wanting her to know she has a way out of that commitment. "Or have the time to? If you don't, for whatever reason, you can quit right how. I won't be hurt. I can find someone else."

That's a lie, I probably will be hurt. I mean, I would love to be able to fight with her. Just watching her with Anya was incredible, I can hardly imagine what it would be like to actually face her. It's not just that though. Maybe it would be for the best, I'm sure an up close sweaty Lexa is even more distracting than she was when she was fighting Anya... And that's saying something. I managed to focus and watch her moves, too, but float me she's gorgeous. I'm surprised there wasn't a puddle of drool at my feet.

"Of course I would like to train you." Lexa says, her voice a lot quieter than when she was in the company of others. She almost seems... shy. But that's insane, she's Commander of the Twelve Clans. "Unless you do not want me to."

"I do, I just don't want you to take time away from more important things just to train me."

"You are worth it." Lexa states, as if she's telling me the sky is blue or that water is wet.

My mind blanks, and I can barely choke out a "mochof". She's being so nice. I don't know her well enough to say for certain this is unusual.

"Pro. What did Anya last teach you?"

I get out of my head enough to realize that we're nearing the ring, and that Gustus is following behind us.

"We've started using actual swords to fight." I murmur. Though we only did that once before Lexa came here.

"Already?" Lexa asks, surprise coloring her tone.

"It's been a month. Well, a bit less with Nyko taking up half of my days. But it's still been a month."

"It was three months before I even touched a wooden one." My shock must register on my face, because she gives this cute, almost abashed looking little smile and continues. "I was young and arrogant. I knew I had a good chance of becoming Heda, and did not take directions well. My first month with her consisted only of me being forced to do demeaning errands such as cleaning up the horse pens, or helping mend the armor of the others that were training and had the possibility to become Heda. My attitude was already changing at the end of that month, but..." Lexa hesitates.

We're at the ring, sitting on the sturdy outer fence as we talk. "You don't have to tell me anything if you're not ready." I reassure, hoping she'll hear the honest in my voice.

"It is okay, it has been a while. It is just not an easy thing to talk about." She swallows, casting her beautiful eyes skyward for a moment before settling them down on the dirt our feet are grazing. "After a month, Anya introduced me to Costia, thinking she may be a good influence. She was the daughter of the blacksmith, and she was beautiful." I don't miss her use of past tense or the sad at the loss but happy at the memory kind of smile. I silently wait for Lexa to be ready to continue. "She was the light of my life. With her, I felt free of the burdens on my shoulders and for once, happy. I began working hard, and excelled in my training. I was young, as I told you. I was not even three. Costia and I's love started the moment we met, and ended in the only storm large enough to extinguish the flames of our love. We grew up together. She was by my side when we received the news the previous Heda was killed in battle. She watched the Conclave, watched me ascend to become Heda. Costia was terrified for my well-being, but she was also incredibly proud. I began uniting the clans until all were on my side and only Azgeda had not joined and dared to rise against me. They took Costia." I reach out and grab Lexa's hand on instinct, hoping it'll ease the pain she's reliving. "They tortured her for information against me. Costia was mine, and I was hers, so they figure she would know secrets to help them defeat me. She did, but she never revealed anything at all. She was always stronger than me. They killed her and cut off her head, and sent it to my bed. The pain of losing her... I thought I would never get over it. I thought I would always have a hole in my chest  the Ice Queen, Nia, left in me. I have never gotten over it, not truly. I have accepted her death, and all death as inevitable, but I will try until my dying breath to make sure Costia and I's people, everything we worked hard for and what she died for, are safe and free to live their lives. The hole is still there, and the words Titus told me constantly as a child have become my truth."

"What are the words?" I ask quietly.

There's so much to take in... My heart aches because I know hers still does over Costia. That kind of pain never goes away, just fades until it's a constant numb throb.

"Hodness laik kwelnes (love is weakness)."

Wow this chapter really got away from me, I didn't think it'd get so heavy and angsty... Or so long (well, longer than my usual chapters). I was really tempted to add "but that all changed when the fire nation attacked" or some joke like that, but it'd take away from Lexa opening up to Clarke... Which I love that she trusts her so much already. Thank you all for your support and your lovely comments, and stay awesome!