No Fear Shakespeare: Romeo and Juliet

Act 3 (Completed Scene 1-5)

Act 3 Scene 1

MERCUTIO, his page, and BENVOLIO enter with other men.

BENVOLIO
I'm begging you, good Mercutio, let's call it a day. It's hot outside, and the Capulets are wandering around. If we bump into them, we'll certainly get into a fight. When it's hot outside, people become angry and hot-blooded.

MERCUTIO
You're like one of those guys who walks into a bar, slams his sword on the table, and then says, "I pray I never have to use you." By the time he orders his second drink, he pulls his sword on the bartender for no reason at all.

BENVOLIO
Am I really like one of those guys?

MERCUTIO

Come on, you can be as angry as any guy in Italy when you're in the mood. When someone does the smallest thing to make you angry, you get angry. And when you're in the mood to get angry, you find something to get angry about.

BENVOLIO
And what about that?

MERCUTIO
If there were two men like you, pretty soon there'd be none because the two of you would kill each other. You would fight with a man if he had one more whisker or one less whisker in his beard than you have in your beard. You'll fight with a man who's cracking nuts just because you have hazelnut-colored eyes. Only you would look for a fight like that. Your head is as full of fights as an egg is full of yolk, but your head has been beaten like scrambled eggs from so much fighting. You started a fight with a man who coughed in the street because he woke up a dog that was sleeping in the sun. Didn't you argue it out with your tailor for wearing one of his new suits before the right season? And with another for tying the new shoes he made with old laces? And yet you're the one who wants to teach me about restraint!

BENVOLIO
If I were in the habit of fighting the way you are, my life insurance rates would be sky high.

MERCUTIO
Your life insurance? That's foolish.

TYBALT, PETRUCHIO, and CAPULETS enter.

BENVOLIO
Oh great, here come the Capulets.

MERCUTIO
Well, well, I don't care.

TYBALT
(to PETRUCCIO and others) Follow me closely, I'll talk to them. (to the MONTAGUES) Good afternoon, gentlemen. I'd like to have a word with one of you.

MERCUTIO
You just want one word with one of us? Put it together with something else. Make it a word and a blow.

TYBALT
You'll find me ready enough to do that, sir, if you give me a reason.

MERCUTIO
Can't you find a reason without my giving you one?

TYBALT
Mercutio, you hang out with Romeo.

MERCUTIO
"Hang out?" Who do you think we are, musicians in a band? If we look like musicians to you, you can expect to hear nothing but noise. (touching the blade of his sword) This is my fiddlestick. I'll use it to make you dance. Goddammit—"Hang out!"

BENVOLIO
We're talking here in a public place. Either go someplace private, or talk it over rationally, or else just go away. Out here everybody can see us.

MERCUTIO
Men's eyes were made to see things, so let them watch. I won't move to please anybody.

ROMEO enters.

TYBALT
Well, may peace be with you. Here comes my man, the man I'm looking for.

MERCUTIO
He's not your man. Alright, walk out into a field, and he'll chase you. In that sense you can call him your "man."