Diana - A 1D FanFic

Chapter 1- Why I Am Who I Am

Chapter 1- Why I Am Who I Am

It's been about three weeks now. My parents were supposed to come home exactly a week ago. It's dinner time, and it's now only me and my grandmother. We silently have dinner, with only the noise of silverware. I had to move to her house now. At least it's in the same neighborhood. I live closer to Mickey and Liam now. That's the least that matters.

I miss my mum's cooking. Her delicious desserts made with love.  I miss her comforting scent and her laugh. She was perfection, but I guess perfection always has to end.

I miss my dad's jokes. I miss him yelling at me to put some pants on, and to stop eating on his special chair. I sit in his chair all the time and silently watch each game he will miss. I've kept all our family pictures in a box. I try to cope and relax, but I can't.

I had my first panic attack in the hospital and I had my second one last night as I attempted to look through the box. It hurts to know that the people you love most aren't ever going to be there for you again.

They won't say good morning or good night. They won't ask for your report cards, or attend your graduation. They won't get to give you 'the talk'. Worst of all, they won't be at your wedding, your child's birth, or any of your birthdays.

I just wish I could be with them. I'd trade places with them because living without them is just too damn much. I feel  like every day I fall deeper and deeper into a hole of loneliness, and  I'm afraid I can't climb out. I need someone to reach out for me. But no one has. Everyone's been giving me 'time' when all I truly need is them! What a great way to start of my summer.

It's your fault. They went on that airplane because of you, you know?

That little voice in my head repeats that so much, that I've begun to believeit. I really should be dead, instead of them.  If I can't take their place. I should at least join them. My grandmother is 78 years old, she doesn't have much time left. I'll be left alone all over again. I can't deal with that anymore.  I need to call Liam.

I dial his number and I remember the last time we were together. It was last week. I kind of had a spazz attack and told him never to talk to me again. I never apologized. It hurts to know that a loved one is mad at you, and especially if you regret it. He picks up at the third ring.

"I thought you needed space, that's why I never called" He says quietly.

"I know I was a bitch, I'm sorry. I really am. Can you comer over?" I asked in a whisper.

"On my way" he replied with his careful voice.

*

"Sweetie Liam's here!" My grandmum called from down stairs. I walked down, carefully and walked over to him.

"Hey" I said, not making eye contact. He grabbed my chin delicately with his fingers and lifted my chin, forcing me to look up at him. Tears brimmed my eyes and they silently fell out. I let out a sob, I didn't know I was holding in. He engulfed me in a reassuring hug and we both fell to the ground, falling on our knees.  

"It'll be alright" he said to me caressing my hair. I can't breathe, I'm choking on my tears. We stayed  like that and I felt safe. I let out everything I was holding back. Liam didn't mind. I will never let him go. He's my best friend.

*

I asked Liam to sleep over and he gladly accepted.  He set up his sleeping bag next to the empty space next to my bed on the floor. We watched Toy Story silently. I clenched my pillow every time I remember my mom would laugh during the movie, her laugh ringing in my ear. I refuse to live my life like this.

"I'm going to go take a quick shower" I said to Liam as I got up from my bed covers.

He silently nodded and turned to face the television again.

I walked inside my bathroom and locked the door. Now is the time. My heart hurts, just thinking about that I'm about to do. I was always one of those people who thought it was stupid and for cowards. I am a coward. I just sure as hell don't care anymore. Sorry, to my granny,  Liam, Mickey, Destinee, and Avery. I had to this to be in peace.

I turned on the hot water to full heat and watched the tub slowly, but gradually fill up. I undid the buttons on my kitten pajamas, a gift from mum. A stab to my heart. I threw my pants off. My dad would've of yelled at me. I stood in front of a full tub of hot steaming water in my undergarments. And I begin to go in it. One toe in. It burns. It feels good. I stick my whole foot in, and it begs to come back out. Nope, my parents don't get to come back out of that air plane. By the time I realize what's going on my knees are covered and my calfs are begging for mercy. I sit in the tub, and all I feel is pain. It feels like I'm burning in hell. Whatever it takes to see my parents again. My neck and face are the only thing that's not covered in water. I slowly look around my surroundings, the last things I'll ever see. A toilet. Beautiful.  I close my eyes, and sink my face in , slowly. It hurts, it burns. I want out. But my body has a mind of it's own. I no longer have control of myself. I breathe in the water and my lungs scream for help. I hear loud noises coming from outside on the door, but I ignore it. I take in the burning sensation until I faint there, in the water.

*

I remember that soft feeling.

I open my eyes and lights attack them. Am I in heaven? Nope. I'm wearing my hospital gown again. Liam sits in a chair sound asleep next to my grandma. Not again. Wait! Has it all been a dream!? I reach over to feel my ear. Nope. I wasn't wearing earrings on my birthday, I am today. I shift in my bed and immediately Liam's head shoots up. "Diana!" He shouts. He runs over to me.

"You're so stupid Diana!" He says as he hugs me tightly. He presses me against his chest and holds on to me tight. What the fuck?

*

Six weeks since my parents death and summer is half gone. I've been seeing a therapist and all I can focus on is my parents.

I love them.