Emerald Tulip

Chapter 20- Reality

Chapter 20 Reality

It wasn't as bad as I'd thought it would be to come home. I felt better on the medication I was given, though mum locked up the medication and knives, and she found the one in my room. Given my history. The few months at the camp made me feel better, not only because of the group meetings, but I had great friends there, to actually be with me and stay with me. I hadn't called Becca yet, nor Matthew. I know I shouldn't be, but I'm scared. I'm scared if I fully commit myself to these people, I'll just get my heart broken again. And there wouldn't be anything I could do. As I stand here in my room, unpacking my things, thinking to myself about my fears, and everything, a tear rolls down my ice cold cheek. When I finally notice that I'm crying, if that's what it is, I hastily wipe the wetness from my face and heavily sit down onto my bed in one swift movement.

"Hey, sweetie, do you want to help me out with dinner? We're just having some salad. Or do you want to order some pizza? Vegetarian?" She asks, casually walking into my room and sitting beside me on the bed.

Ever since Piper died I wasn't the same, and I decided to become a vegetarian. Mum has been really supportive through everything. . . That she's known about. And I'm lucky to have that, because some people out there have no one. No one like my mum.

I nod, not saying a word, staring silently at the carpet.

Mum puts her hand on my back reassuringly and rubs in circles.

"Baby, what's wrong?" She asks in a hushed tone.

"Oh, I was just thinking. . ." I trailed off, and mum's hand stops on my back. Her warmth radiating from her hand.

"That's what kills, honey. Thinking. What's on your mind?"

I look up to find her searching my face for clues as to what's on my mind, so I answer honestly.

"Well, I'm just a little scared, that's all. I mean, it's really hard finding a job up here and it's going to be tough for us. . . Well, that's one thing. The other problem is that. . ." How could I put into words how I'm feeling? I'll just try to keep it short. "Well, I made a couple of friends at the. . . Camp, and I said I'd call, but I'm scared about letting anyone else into my life, because it's risky getting hurt over and over." I don't know if that came out right, but it seems as though she understood.

"I know, baby. Trust me. I've been hurt. But you know, sometimes you gotta take risks in your life, otherwise what is the point of living? And I KNOW you're gonna say 'what IS the point of living at all? But, sweetie, I've asked myself that question before, and there is no exact answer to that, except you don't know when something good is going to come around the corner in the future. So if you're thinking about giving up, and there is actually something good coming, then how are you gonna know if you give up? I know it's terribly confusing, but I do believe in fate, I also believe in hope, and it never dies, even if you think it does, it's still there." She finishes her little lesson and smiles at me. Hugging me tight into her side.

"Thanks, mum."

"Any time. Oh, and about money issues, I was thinking about selling the house. I mean, I don't want to, because it's the only thing with my name on it, but it is tough to find a job where we live. I was thinking about moving to Sydney; there are so much opportunities down there. I wish I could lose more weight, though. But I've been so down about everything it's hard to get out of the house." She explains to me. I hate seeing mum so down. She was going alright until she got that letter saying no more income.

"Mum, we'll be alright. I know. But. . . It's going to be scary." I hold onto her hand tight. My hand actually starting to sweat, partly from the grip and partly from nerves. Anxiety coursing through my veins. "Oh, and, mum? When do I go back to school?" I ask curiously. I don't believe I'm ready JUST yet, but I thought I should ask.