City Lights (Chris Motionless Cerulli)

Chapter 12

so sorry i havent updated in a while but this is a good chapter! please dont read this if you get upset about self harm or suicide...thankyou

CHRIS' POV

Its been awkward since last night..Kaya hasnt said a word to me. When the guys got back last night, she wouldnt look at me. we all sat in the living area, me opposite Kaya and she looked away and blushed everytime i looked at her. i think shes had second thoughts about us..i mean i dont think she wants to be with me. for fucks sake! why do i have to fuck things up?!? if i hadnt have gone in the bathroom then we would be getting on great. SHIT

KAYA'S POV

omg!! I LOVE HIM!! i dont know how to tell him! I know i mustn't get attached but i am and i cant stop! he doesnt need extra stress on top of the tour ad everything going on! today i went to get breakfast and thankfully nobody was up yet, i quickly grabbed some toast and headed back to my bunk. the guys soon got up but i was already dressed, i had a feeling today wasnt gonna go well. and for that reason, i stayed out of the limelight and stayed in my bunk. when i was sure that the guys were out shopping or whatever they were doing, i decided to come out of my hiding place and watched some TV. At about 2pm i got up and made myself some lunch and then the boys came back....

"hey K" said Ghost "hi Ghost, what have u guys been up to?" i replied. "shopping and Chris nearly ran over a little kid with the trolley" Ghost and Ricky said together, chuckling. SHIT! i realised Chris was staring at me so i decided to make an exit. "cool haha! im gonna go and draw for a bit..ill see you guys later" i said, without making eye contact with Chris. i got up and put my dirty dishes in the little sink and went into the sleeping compartment was and shut the door behind me. i was really worried now, what am i going to do?! why am i such a wimp? i drowned out my thoughts by sticking Asking Alexandria in my ears and begn to draw...........

.....once i was satisfied with my picture of Danny Worsnop, i pulled out my earphones and checked the time. 8:30pm and i missed tea, SHIT I WAS HUNGRY. i thought i would sneak in and out of the kitchen area without them noticing because i could here the TV was on. I got out of my bunk and was about to open my door when i heard my name come up in the conversation between Chris and Ricky. "for christ sake! why is Kaya doing this to me Rick? she hasnt said a word to me since last night" he said sounding annoyed "i dont know man, just give her some time" Ricky replied trying to reason with him "ive given her all bloody day man! im getting so pissed off with her! it was only sex, i wouldnt have done it if i knew she was gonna be a bitch to me!" he almost shouted "shhhh! man, do u want her to hear what u just said? and thats really not fair Chris and you know it!" Ricky defended me. i felt sick.. is that really what he thought of me? he hated me. i felt tears rushing down my face and my eyeliner stung my eyes. id heard enough, i went back to my bunk and cried more than i ever have..i felt like a little kid but i didnt care, i was worthless. i began to have a panic attack, my first one since leaving my abusive home. what if Chris chucked me out? where would i go? id be homeless with o food, no clothes, no money. my cries got louder and i dug my ugly face into my pillow and bit onto it to muffle my screaming as i shook. this was a panic attack! everyone hated me, my family, the band, i was unwanted. my temperature rose and the shaking got worse. without another thought, i staggered out of my bunk, grabbed my razor and locked myself in the bathroom. i sat on the toilet seat and rolled up my sleeves. then i began to violently make deep insicions along my arms and thighs. im not gonna lie, it hurt, it really hurt but i deserved it for being a failier. i began to calm down as i saw the droplets of blood drip down my hands and legs onto the floor..its was different though, there was more, i cut to deep this time! the pain was overwhelming. i once again began to shake uncontrollably and my sobs got louder. before long i couldnt make any noise because i was sweating and shaking to much, but i could still feel the many tears silently rolling down my rosy cheeks. i slumped down against the wall and leant my head against the cold sink, a pool of blood was slowly emerging around me and my heart quickened..i couldnt do this anymore, i wasnt worth the fuss..i wanted to leave this place, end it all and stomp with Mitch in the clouds. i noticed a cabinet beside me and i allowed my shaking hand to slowly pull it open. inside there were plasters......and pills, lots of them. i grabbed the first pot i came to not caring what they were. i wante to leave so badly, i wanted the shaking to stop but i had to tell Chris how i really felt. i managed to pull myself up to the windowsill where i found a pen. i grabbed some toilet roll and slowly scribbled on it "i love you Chris with all my heart but i cannot live knowing you hate me...im sorry" i placed it on the toilet seat and sat back down. i made myself comfortable and began to swallow the pills. it was difficult becuase i was crying so hard i could bearly breathe and i was shaking violently. i swallowed about 3/4 of the pot before i was no longer able to get them up to my mouth. i let the pot fall to the floor and the remaining pills spilt around me. i felt dizzy, so dizzy and light headed but i didnt know whether it was due to the drugs or the blood loss, i didnt care so i began to sing "paralyzed by my envy of the night....... i am lost without you here.... and outside it looks like rain....for the last time, i bleed myself dry tonight. and nothing i could ever write would help you understand this life, there's so much beauty when your ..eyes..lay..lost...in...all ......the..city............lights" i smiled as the shaking slowly came to an end and darkness overtook my vision.

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and there it is! hope you guys enjoyed it! please COMMENT what you think and any ideas you have about what happens next. and please, please VOTE!! thankyou xx