Innominatus

019: Death or Oblivion

What are you afraid of?

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When I was younger, I used to think that my worst fear would be of death. I thought I was afraid of dying. And thinking about death leads me to wonder:

When will I die?

How will I die?

Will I be murdered? Or would I die a 'peaceful' death?

What if I die in an accident?

What if I would be diagnosed with an incurable disease?

Where will I die?

Why should I die at that point in time?

What will happen to the people that I'll leave when I die?

These questions haunt me whenever I think of death, of dying. Hence, I thought that my worst fear is dying; but then as time wore on, new questions arose...

What will happen to me after I die?

What about the things I have left?

Will the future generations remember me? Even at least in a photograph?

What will be there of me in my house after I leave this world?

Thousands of years will pass, will my name be still remembered? My thoughts? My actions?

Will I be remembered in this world later on?

These questions made me realize that dying wasn't really what I am in fear of. I am not afraid of dying, it's being forgotten that I am scared of. I am afraid that no one will even know I existed after being six feet under for so long.

I want to be remembered even when I have already left this world. I want to be like the people that even though centuries have passed, they are still known by people. It's like their existence is common knowledge.
Shakespeare, Aristotle, Plato, Einstein, Ghandi, Van Gogh, Beethovenー the list goes on. I want to be like them. Then I asked myself, 'How can I be like them?'

They must have done something.. What is that something that made a part of themselves stuck in this realm? I do not know. Maybe I would gain the knowledge of it someday, but not today.

As weird as it sounds, these thoughts of death are my motivation to live my life to the fullest.

And if you ask me again: I would fear oblivion, not Death.

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