The Mum Diaries

Introduction

Being a young Mum I have always felt a need to prove myself to others. It's a little easier for married Mums or older ones, because in society's eyes that's a perfect family. I will never have a 'perfect' family, even if I settle down I will have three bastard kids and they won't be my partners'. It took me a while to accept that fact. Deep down I will always be the little girl who changed her last name to her crush's and had her little family planned out down to the littlest detail, like what friends would be invited to the dinner party on Thursday and the exact Christmas tree farm we would visit every year. But that will never be me, and I think I'm okay with it.

You see I got pregnant at sixteen, it was on my prom night, behind a hot dog van. We were both too horny to even pull off our clothes and it was extremely rough and fast...not the most romantic way to loose your virginity. But I thought I was in love and I'm sure you've heard this story countless times, I wanted to keep my boyfriend. It seemed getting pregnant wasn't the best way to do that, he left the day after he found out.

I'm not going to come up with a story about how brilliant of a Mum I was just so I look good. I'm going to put it blatantly, I was shit. The night I found out I was pregnant I drank as much alcohol that I possessed to try and kill my baby. My Mum found out and sent me to an orphanage-like institute for young, pregnant women. They were told by my Mother that I had to keep my 'thing', so that's what I did. But for eight months I couldn't shake off the need to abort it. When I eventually gave birth to my son I didn't get the apparent overwhelming love every woman feels when she looks at her baby. I was almost repulsed by my son. If it wasn't for him I would be buying my first house with the love of my life, still partying and waiting to graduate. But instead I was trapped in a murky institute with a sickly, wailing child.

For five months I left my son with my Aunt and based my life on alcohol and sex. I would occasionally post pictures of Gabriel on Facebook, so I could get attention. But then I found out I was pregnant for the second time. This was my second chance, God could see the trouble I was in and he wanted to help me. So I went back to the institution and begged for help. My Aunt took me in and I went to countless groups, helping me with my addiction.

I gave birth to twin boys, Bodhi and Elijah
on a cold January night. I only had to take one look at them and I realised what everyone talked about. Seeing them was like seeing for the first time ever. My body was filled with a warmth I had never felt before and I didn't know whether I wanted to cry, laugh or scream but it was the most beautiful feeling I had ever felt. I got the same feeling when I saw Gabriel again. Walking in too the hospital, his legs still chubby and a dummy tightly stuck to his mouth. His tiny hand gripping a teddy for his little brothers. His blond hair curling at his neck. I wanted to be sick, all the times I had hated him, I had wished he was dead and he had done nothing wrong. He was just a little boy who needed a Mummy and I was going to be the best one I could be from then on.

I left the hospital a few days later, and I knew exactly what I wanted to do. I took out the money from my savings and I bought a run down VW camper. I spent four months doing it up and when the twins turned six months old, we left. It was just me, three babies and an open road. But for once in my life I wasn't scared, I knew that this would be the best thing I had ever done.