The Mum Diaries

Part 4

Dear Gabriel,
When you read this I will most likely be a crinkled old woman, hunched in a rotting arm chair, complaining about the generation and how teenagers weren't this naughty in my day. I believe old age makes even the best of us grumpy. But I don't want you to remember me as a little granny, mumbling staccato sentances from a different universe. No, I want you to remember me for who I really am.

I love rock my music, specifically when we play it in the van and your hair flutters everywhere. You look like a rockstar. That's what you want to be when you grow up...your brothers want to be trees. I smell of mint most days because it soothes you. My hair is never tied back, I hate it like that. I did try to do something different with my hair and I dyed it ginger. The ebony roots have grown back now. Coming to think of it I have no idea how you're blonde because me and your dad are both very dark. I don't really have time to wash properly so my skin breaks out really bad by my hair line. When the weather changes quickly I get a little dry crack in the corner of my mouth, it spread really far out this one year and it was disgusting. I don't really wear make up, I'm too masculine. My shoulders are extremely broad and I'm fairly tall. My fashion sense is about the same as a two year olds. I possess these extremely thick glasses that have no lense in the right eye and only half of the rim is left because they fall off when I'm scurrying after you three. Despite all this every day you tell me how beautiful I am. I never used to believe it. But some days I will see myself in the mirror and I get butterflies because I realise that well yeah...I am beautiful.

Our van is called Sherwood. He's green. That's your favourite colour. You sleep in the hammock above me and your brothers. It still terrifies me that you'll fall off. You love the early mornings-just like your dad. You get up at five most mornings and climb down to me. We only have a tiny tele, that's full of static. Apparently you love that though. It's usually freezing, even in the summer. We'll put on this portable fire, that stinks and gives off as much heat and a dying candle. You like to watch cartoons. The sun usually bursts through our green curtains. That's when your brothers wake up. When it rains we go outside. You love it when it's been raining for days and the trees go a stunning emerald. You love the way the rain runs down roads and makes the ground too slippery to walk on. You love to hide under the slides when it rains. You have a green raincoat which is decorated with dinosaurs. Your brothers have pink ones with fairies on. They love fairies. Bo has a fairy teddy named Felicity and Eli has the male version, he's called Felix. They can't sleep without them. You don't have a teddy, you have a blanket. It stinks.

It's hard for me to find work, with us being on the road all the time. We're in Wales at the moment. I have a job in the pub just over the road from the campsite we're staying on. It's every second day from eight until twelve, unless I'm called in at other times. I let you play on campsites park until it closes. I can see you from the pub. The manager knows to look out for you. When the park closes he brings you over to the pub. There's an arcade in the cellar. You play there until you're bored. Then you and your brothers will sit on the benches outside. You can see the sea from there. You love watching the sunset. You tell me you want to be a bird so you can see every sunset in the world. You wave at the cars going past and you cry if they don't wave back. It's a long day for you three. You normally fall asleep on the sofas in the pub. I carry you all home when my shift is over. Sometimes one of you will wake up so we will sit outside for a while. I love my times with you all on your own. Last night I sat with Bodhi whilst you and Elijah were sleeping. Seeing you fall asleep in my arms will never get old. The way your eyes flutter ever so slightly before you finally get to sleep. How they open just at the bottom when you're in a deep slumber. How you mumble things under your breath. Because when you sleep that's a world that I do not know. That's something that you have to yourself. And that amazes me.

You're awake right now. I took you to the beach. You're eating an ice cream. It fell in the golden sand and I can hear it crunching in your teeth. Your brothers are escaping over the sand dunes, I'm going to have to get them now. I love you Gabe, more than you will ever know,
Mommy.