The Mum Diaries

Part 1

Dear Gabriel,
There are so many things I want for you. I want you to be happy, I want you to love, I want you to be loved and most importantly I want you to know that it was never your fault. It was never your fault that me and you dad broke up, it was never your fault that the first month of your life was spent in a home for teenage mothers and it most importantly was never your fault that I didn't want you.

When your Nana kicked me out of her house I was alone. I had gone from the most respected girl in high school to a homeless, pregnant slut. I was a character in a game and the aim was to make me feel as alone as possible. But do you want to hear a secret? I loved you. I loved feeling you move. I loved imagining our life together. I loved picking out your name. But I didn't love you for the right reasons, I loved you because of the attention you brought me. I hate myself for everything I did to you Gabe, please forgive me, my beautiful boy.

The girls at the institute weren't nice. Most of them just needed a friend, but I wouldn't give them one, I was too proud. We only really spoke at meal times and that would usually cause an argument.

I suppose when you were born I was a little happy. Mainly to be getting out of the institute. Your Aunt found out about you and we lived with her for a little while. She lived in a really rough area and my friends got me into drink and sex. I missed the first few months of your life completely and it kills me because I will never get that time back. I see all these new moms cradling their little babies and looking at them with so much love they could burst and I never got that with you. If I had one wish it would be to start all over again and give you the best start in life you could ever wish for.

I don't know who your brothers' daddy is. It could be a number of people. It didn't take long for me to figure out I needed something more than what was being offered to me. So I found Jesus. I don't agree with some of the things he says but he believes in chances and that's what I needed. It was different when I got pregnant with your brothers. I wanted to love them. I wanted to get that special feeling that I tried so desperately to have for you. They really were miracles.

You used to cuddle into my stomach when we went to bed. You were still so tiny, you had no real idea what was going on. Sometimes I can't believe how disgusting of a mother I was. You were this tiny little boy just looking for a Mummy, for someone to pick him up when he cried and tell him everything was fine, that Mummy will always be here. I never did that for you Gabe. Please forgive me darling.

When your brothers were born it was like I had entered heaven. I saw life through different eyes. It wasn't just your brothers I loved, it was you. I loved you more than anything I had ever loved before. It amazed and scared me all at once. I had only known you for what seemed like five minutes and I would have done anything for you without a second thought. Maybe I just wanted to feel that way. Maybe I had just got it into my head that having Bodhi and Elijah was a fresh start. Maybe I was putting it all on. But it felt real, and to me that's all that mattered.

I promise you one thing Gabriel, you will never go a day without feeling loved by me. There will never be a day that I won't tell you that I love you. If you were fifty and lived half way across the world but you needed me I would do whatever it took to be with you in five minutes. I will always be here for you, no matter what you do. If you come home when you're twelve and tell me you've smoked I won't shout, if you murder somebody I will still love you. I will never judge you Gabriel, you can always trust me, because do you know what Gabe? You're my best friend, you're the love of my life. Every single moment I share with you is the best moment of my life and I will love you forever.

I'm so sorry baby, I hope you can find it in your beautiful soul to forgive me. I will love you forever,
Mommy.