The Mum Diaries

Chapter 3

Dear Gabriel,
                       You've started to ask about your father now. It still hurts. The truth is I see a lot of him in you. You don't look that much alike. Not really. Your dad was dark. He always had his long charcoal hair gelled back. His tanned forehead was covered in wrinkles from his permanent smolder, his eyes never flinching from an ice-like squint. His full, peach lips were constantly pursed, defining his jagged cheekbones. You were the spit from his mouth when you were born. It killed me. You've lost his look now, but not entirely, you still have his sharp features. You have golden hair though, I always say that you're my rapunzel.

The month before I fell pregnant with you it rained non-stop for three weeks. Your father and I sat in my roof and watched sheet after sheet of rain tumble past us. My eyes never fluttered anywhere away from your dad. I watched in awe as his hair stuck to his crinkled forehead and raindrops trickled from his eye to his pouted lip, dripping off his chin; I couldn't believe how perfect he was.

I had the same feeling with you today. Your brothers don't really talk much. They giggle and gargle. They run around on their chunky little legs, with their dirty blonde hair falling, shielding their big, dough eyes. You weren't like that. From the moment your mouth could move you were talking. You sing a lot too. It can get quite annoying-there's only so many verses of 'ten little monkeys' you can hear before wanting to tear your ears off. I watched you today, you didn't see me. I tied your long hair back because it was hot and you were playing in the sand. You were trying to teach Elijah and Bodhi how to talk. They didn't really pick it up. We did get a 'sa' out of Eli which we were hoping would turn into 'sand pit' but it didn't go to plan. I never really gave the love I had for you three much thought. But today, I watched my three boys. These little, beautiful boys who would be men before I knew it and I felt this thing. I'm not too sure how to put it into words...it was like my eyes were on fire, like everything from my neck down was burning out through my mouth. You three tiny, happy, carefree little things were mine. You were only mine and always mine. No matter what happened, whether I were shipped off to a different country or sent to another reality, nothing would stop you from being my babies. Nothing could ever take away my memories with you. Not your first, shaky steps of that time you lost your back tooth because I pushed you off a swing (I'm still sorry about that one but at least it gets you an extra birthday present every year). And unfortunately nothing will ever take away the bad memories. Not the nights I left you to scream yourself to sleep so I could have sex with a man... occasionally a woman, that I didn't even know. Nor that one time where are you puked on the kitchen counter and your brothers ate it (I really wish I could forget that). But I'm content with all that because if I had the chance to go back in time and I altered even the tiniest speck of detail, well then you might not be this little boy you are today and I don't want anyone but you.

I hope you read this one day. I hope you see how much I love you and your brothers. The three of you are asleep right now. You all have such dark eyelashes. I never noticed. I have just pulled over, your head is hanging out of your car seat at the moment. I'm going to have to sort that out. Did you know you have the tiniest freckle in the crease of your right eye? . I never admired you so closely. You're so beautiful when you're asleep, so sacred, I wish you could be like this all of the time because I really don't think I can take another round of 'ten little monkeys'. Elijah has a mole just under his middle and his ring finger on his left hand. I thought it was poo... It wouldn't surprise me with you boys.

I hope I'm doing a good no for you. I'm still getting used to this whole, being a mom thing. I'm pretty sure I'm doing a piss poor job-but I'm trying. Remember Gabriel, I love you,
                                                   Mommy.