Savior [Completed]

Savior: [Four] [II/II]

“So, explain to me again why we’re keeping this a secret?”

I groaned softly, wishing again, pointlessly, not that Rodney would quit asking, but that I’d just shut up that night. Three days had passed since I’d been forced to fill Ryan and Rodney in on what I’d learned, and we’d come to having pretty much the same conversation every day.

Rodney knew the answer to his question – or rather, my answer to this, but I’m not sure if he was just trying to emphasize his disapproval at me keeping quiet, or whether it was because he still didn’t understand where I was coming from. As in, he knew what I had to say, or most of what I thought, anyway, but maybe it was that he just didn’t get my reasoning.

“I just think that this is something he has to do on his own,” I said resignedly, shifting my bag to the other shoulder. The three of us had just arrived from school to his place to work on a group research project on a biofuel of our choice when he started, and by then I’d learned that trying to change the topic would be futile.

“You mean, suffer in silence and get sick and depressed?”

“No! Of course not!” I knew he was being sarcastic, but I couldn’t help it. “You know what I meant, Rodney, and please let’s not do this.”

“I’m not being difficult,” he put one hand on his chest and raised the other, as though he were swearing, “but I honestly don’t get it.” He’d lost some of the crabbiness from earlier, but I knew that there was a part of him that was still pissed off at me. “I mean, sure, he needs to get closure and everything, but don’t you see how serious all of this is?”

“I know, but-”

“And we don’t even know how long it will be till he tells! That’s if he tells. We can’t just let it go on!”

I looked wearily towards Ryan, who shrugged. He hadn’t said anything yet, and in as much as I’d have liked that to mean he wasn’t agreeing with Rodney, his silence meant he wasn’t on my side either, and I have to admit, it was a little disheartening. It wasn’t a competition with Rodney - of course not - but their doubts were making me wonder if I were doing the right thing. And it wasn’t a nice feeling.

Had I been wrong? Was not wanting to lose him not a good enough reason?

I’d explained it to them before, and clearly, Rodney hadn’t been convinced, but then, there was something else too. Maybe I’d convinced myself it was a legitimate reason, but after having thought about this other angle, I’d decided that I was in the right with my decision to give Max time. “You know, when they- those guys, I mean, when they were making life difficult for me, it was hell.” I started, “but I always thought I could, like, I could fight.”

Rodney looked at me questioningly. In as many times as we’d had this conversation, I’d never said- well, never admitted this out loud before.

“Go on,” Ryan said.

“And when Mum and Dad found out, they did make it go away, but it- I always kept thinking that I wanted a chance – a good fighting chance to overcome it myself. And I don’t know if it’s true, because I’ll never really find out, but I do think that if I’d gotten to end it myself, I wouldn’t have felt so…useless and weak for all these years.”

There was a split second of silence as they pieced together what I was saying with what was going on now, but Rodney caught on pretty fast. He looked at me pointedly, still unconvinced. “Would you have told on them though?”

“I’m not sure,” I admitted grudgingly, “but I’ll never get to know, will I?”

“But Nick, they were hurting you,” Ryan said gently, putting a hand on my shoulder, “and no offense, but your parents were right. I mean, what if you’d never told?”