Savior [Completed]

Savior: [Fifteen] [II/II]

For the record, this is all on Rodney. He’s the one who started with all that…stuff…and now I can’t stop thinking about it.

Dylan.

Although, it’s not so much about him exactly as it is about me, with regard to him.

Let’s just get to the point. The thing is, I completely agree that he’s a great friend. All those things Rodney said, I can’t deny  – I do get the way he said I do when I’m with Dylan, there’s no question there, but…I feel the same around Nick and Ryan and Rodney and Maya too, don’t I?

Okay, scratch that, there’s no question mark there – I do feel that way even around them (and Lani a little bit too for that matter) so technically speaking, I should be able to just ignore Rodney right now, but there’s the problem – should. It’s bothering me.

I’m guessing it’s the other stuff too, like how when he claims that there is ‘something’, I have no reaction to it at all. Or a very mixed one, depending on how you look at it. And it’s frustrating and making me doubt myself because I don’t exactly know. If someone were to suggest that that sort of thing were there between me and Ryan, for instance, I feel that ‘no’ come to me straight away, but it’s not coming with Dylan… so what does that mean? A lack of ‘no’ doesn’t mean yes, and there definitely isn’t a ‘yes’, either. Or maybe it’s just because everyone’s been harping on him and me having a thing that it’s actually making me think about it or something.

And then there’s that if Rodney, who hasn’t been teasing me because he’s never thought there’s something, suddenly starts talking like this, what am I supposed to make of it? And is it just that, in line with my previous example, I never think of any of my friends like that because they’re all spoken for anyway? I mean, we already know I have to keep a distance from Nick because otherwise there’d be tension with Lani – same principle? But Dylan’s been paired up with me so is that why I’m actually having to think about it with him?

And that’s just superficial stuff that I haven’t had to think about as much as about what Rodney actually asked me. Say we agree there’s something. In that case, is that good enough for me? I’m able to avoid that question by saying that I need to know first if there really is something at all, but if I’m to give it more consideration…this is another thing that has me stumped.  If it’s ‘no’, the matter ends here and now, but if ‘yes’…I don’t know. Is that good enough for me?

I mean, I’ve already agreed he’s a great friend to me, and yeah, even though he’s not in the race for the ‘hottest guy alive’ title, I honestly can’t say that I think there’s nothing attractive in him, so, is that something I’ll take and settle with? And it’s not in the way that I’d say that for, just as an example, Rodney. That brings me back in a circle though – maybe it’s not that way for Rodney or Ryan because they’ve always been a couple, and, you know, Nick’s straight so I shouldn’t even waste my energy on that. Not the point, but just saying.

Though about me – is that a ‘gamble’ (Maya’s words) I’d ever want to take?

I’ll be honest: the idea is actually quite scary. Even though he’s a good guy and everything, there’s just that irrational fear that something could go wrong. And yeah, right now I’m chicken enough to want to avoid even the possibility altogether.

Plus, this is me assuming that he’d want to have to do something with me in that way. In as much as he’s nice and everything, the way I look and how I generally am really isn’t helping my chances…

I…I can’t think right now. Yes? No? Maybe?

I’m tired.

Let’s move onto a new topic.