Finding Me Again

Should Have Been You

                By the end of the week, it was set. I was going to live with Reese (known to me as Aunty Reese or Reesey) in England, and I was so beyond excited.  My mom hardly seems upset, but she knows it’s what is best for me. Besides, I don’t think there’s much I can do to make her miss me- not after everything I’ve done.

                Growing up, Aunt Reese was my favorite. I’ve absolutely adored her for as long as I can remember. When everything went down last year, she begged me to move to England to escape the town that she had grown up in. Reese understood what I was going through before I even went through it. Without her, I’m certain I would have given up a long time ago. I’m so, so, so excited to go live with her now that there’s nothing left for me here.

                The hardest part of leaving is Alec. I can’t believe I have to leave him behind. I’ve never been without my big brother before, and I am so scared that I won’t be able to stand on my own two feet without him. He was so upset when I told him; he literally begged me not to go. He wants to be sure that I’m ready, so there isn’t any more funny business. But once he stopped crying about losing me, he finally let me explain that this move is what’s best- for everyone. Not only will my mom not have to worry about me anymore, but Alec can actually start living his life again. I know he won’t be home nearly as often once I leave, and that’ll free him up some time on campus. I’m hoping he’ll become closer with his friends again, and maybe he’ll even find a girl to fall in love with. *wiggles eyebrows suggestively*

                Packing was also a huge struggle. It was unbelievable how  hard it was to get everything packed and shipped over on such short notice. I eventually got everything packed away in big brown boxes, and my room looked eerily bare. The only thing left was the miniature music station I had set up in the corner of my room. A beautiful Taylor guitar was sitting, out of tune, on a stand next to my electric keyboard, which was set up to a microphone plugged into an amp. Everything was dusty and in need of playing. Sitting on top of the amp was a stack of 5 or so notebooks, each one containing thousands of lyrics and dozens of songs that I had written throughout the years. I haven’t done anything musical in months, and I just could not decide whether or not to bring my instruments with me. I knew how disappointed Aunt Reesey would be though, so I ended up packing up my keyboard, amp, notebooks, and mic to ship over to England. My guitar- which had been given to me by my grandmother- was packed in a case to take on the flight to England.

                On Friday, after a full week of packing and resting up for the trip, I’m finally standing in the airport with my mom. We just checked my bag, and all I have left is a small duffle and my guitar. “I’m going to miss you so much, Mom,” I cry into her shoulder.

“Don’t miss me, sweetie. Things will be so much easier this way,” I look at my mom quizzically. She sees my questioning look, and extends on that statement.

“Now I’ll be able to get back into the social swing of things. I think people will be much more accepting of me now that you won’t be around anymore.” I pull out of the embrace my mother has me in and look at her, hurt. Is she insinuating what I think she is? Is she really saying that the reason she’s been acting the way she had is me?

“What is that supposed to mean, Mom?”

           She gives me a cold smile before responding, “Don’t pretend like you don’t know Ally.” I shiver at the use of my real name; the last time she called me by Ally was the funeral. She continues to speak, “Everyone knows now. You’re leaving to somewhere that nobody will anymore, so you might as well own up to what you did back here. Be honest, Ally- it’s your fault that your dad is dead. I shouldn’t of had to bury my husband- it should have been you.”