Finding Me Again

Headfirst

Hello lovelies! I hope you've all enjoyed your Thanksgiving (that is, if you celebrate it.) What are you thankful for?

I'm thankful for my family, my friends, my dog, my church, and of course, the new One Direction album, lol. I've been listening to it on repeat. I've decided that Happily, Through the Dark, and Story of My Life are my favorites, but I love them all.

I figured I'd just take a shot at getting another chapter up earlier! As always, comment, vote, do your thing. Lalala.

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The boys and I mess around for a little longer on the instruments, and Liam insists on taking one of my CDs- which had both a recording of my version of Sweater Weather and a recording of one of my own songs.

"Alright mates, let's get out of here," he says, shuffling the boys towards the stairs and back down to the living room. Harry, however, stays put in his sitting position on my bed, looking agitated.

"We'll give you a minute," he calls over his shoulder to Harry, who nods his thanks. When the laughter and chatter of the boys is muted by the distance between my room and the living room, Harry finally stands and looks over at me. I flinch.

"You never mentioned you were going to school at the BRIT." He says coolly, but I can sense his anger radiating off of him.

"I didn't really think it was a big deal?" And it's true- I really didn't! I never chose the school. "It's just where my aunt enrolled me."

"Stop downplaying it, Ally! It's a huge deal! This is all a huge deal! You go to the BRIT! Jesus, I've known people who've auditioned to go there dozens of times and haven't made it! And granted, none of them were as talented as you, but on the plane you made it seem like you were just randomly picking up your life and going to live with your aunt, and I figured it was just to escape your demons, not to go to one of the most renowned performing arts schools in the world!" Harry's words spun around me like flies, pestering the corners of my mind and leaving me with a headache. He paces around the room, huffing his breath out, trying to control himself.

"And this entire time, I was trying to restrain myself-" He continues ranting.

"I didn't audition." I say meekly, but it is enough to stop him midsentence. He practically hurls himself at me.

"What," he asks, confused, "did you just say?"

"I- I... When I moved here, it was completely random. And it was to," I take a deep breath, knowing I am about to go full blown crazy person. "Well, it was to escape my demons, like you said. My dad.... he killed himself, and it was my fault, all of it was my fault. I had to get out of that damn town; it was like everything was folding in on me and I couldn't breathe because he was still there at every corner, and my boyfriend ditched me, and my mom hated me-" I ramble. "So one day, I got up, and I packed my things, and I left. My aunt was thrilled to take me in. She had my room set up," I gesture around to our surroundings, "and had me enrolled in school before I even got here. I never knew it was a performing arts school. I was being honest when I said I hadn't been playing music. It was just too hard. But playing for you all tonight- playing for you, Harry, for you-" I grabbed his chin, and looked into his blazing eyes, "it felt right, and things felt okay again. And I'm sorry, I'm so sorry I didn't tell you any of this, but I haven't told anyone and I didn't think it mattered, I didn't think I mattered. Not to you. " I take a deep breathed and once again, Harry hurls himself at me. Rather than question me, or ask more about my dad, or my mom, or anything, he just holds me, sensing that it's what I really need. I'm wrapped head to toe in him- he's everywhere, and his scent intoxicates me.

"I'm sorry, I'm sorry," I whimper into his chest as he rocks me back and forth. The back of my mind screams at me. Sorry for what?! You've done nothing to him, nothing at all! But yet, my heart wants nothing more to have never put that sort of pain on his face, and it feels like something I've never quite experienced to know that I might have hurt him even just a little by not letting him in. He rains kisses down on my head over and over, rocking me back and forth, and suddenly everything is okay again.

"I care, Ally. I care." He whispers, and somehow that's enough.

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When enough time passes by, the boys get worried, and send Zayn back up the stairs. He comes round the top hesitantly, almost as if he's scared to see something he doesn't want to witness between Harry and I. Instead, he sees us curled up together on my bed, sitting silently. Harry repeatedly strokes my hair, and stares off into space.

"Alright mate, we've got to go. We can come back tomorrow to visit Ally and talk about... things. Liam called Simon," Zayn says criptically.

Harry pulls up from under me, but before he can, I quickly pull down on his sweater and sling an arm and a leg around him.

"No." I say stubbornly. I can't let him leave, and I'm not sure why. I just know that I don't want to be alone, and if I could chose anyone in the entire world to stay the night, it would be him.

"Uh, Zayn," he calls his friend back, "I don't think I'm going anywhere for at least a little while. How about you come back in the morning with the lads, and bring me some clothes and stuff, and we can spend the day with Ally in the city." I nod frantically, liking the idea.I thank my lucky stars that my aunt is out for the night, because somehow I doubt she would like the idea of me sharing my bed with Harry tonight. I snap myself out of my thoughts and pull myself back to the current situation just as Zayn agrees with Harry's plan and moves towards the stairs.

"Alright mates, let's move out," I hear him say to the boys. "Harry isn't coming with us."

"Aw, I called it!" Louis shrieks, "Niall, you owe me twenty! Harry- I TOLD YOU SO- see, she does like you, mate, what, Liam- I did! Alright, I'm going, I'm going." I laugh at Louis's antics, comforted by the fact that Harry was actually worried that I might not like him. I snuggle closer and he laughs.

"Alright, love, I'm staying- but I do have to use the loo." I grumble in protest but disentangle myself from him and let him up. He laughs and heads toward the restroom. I pull myself up after him and once the door to the bathroom is shut, scramble towards the mirror to fix my hair. When I am done, I go back and curl myself into a ball with my knees pressed to my chest and my back to the headboard. Harry walks back out of the bathroom and grins at me.

"I don't understand you," I mumble at him, and he stops walking toward me. He seems to think better of the distance and continues his path, pulling my legs down towards him until he's standing in between them.

"What about me love?" He says in my ear, and I shiver from his warm breath.

"You have a switch or something. You go from super nice," I blush, thinking of before on the sofa, "to dumping me on the floor and being all moody. And now you're staying for the night. I'm just waiting for the other shoe to drop and for you to get mad again." I swallow thick, worried about how he might react to my little speech.

"Love...." He mumbles, "I'm not good for you." I give him a quick look, and he rushes on, "As friends, I'm not a good friend to have in your life." His head comes nearer to mine, and his eyes trail over my face. I laugh grimly.

"No, no, Harry. I'm no good for you. Hell, I'm not good for anyone. Too much emotional baggage." I grimace, feeling the bitterness of my father's words echo through my room.

Harry looks at me, as if he's shocked I could ever think so horribly of myself. I want to laugh at his reaction, and tell him the full story to make him understand how awful of a person I am. But instead, I look back at him in a patient and selfish silence, waiting for his response.

"You're wrong about that. You're amazing." He says it simply, and I give him another odd look.

"I mean, we all think so, the boys and I. We all think you're great."

I just shake my head and hug him, greatful to have such a great friend around for the night.