Anxiety Princess

hopeless

Everybody's got their demons even wide awake or dreaming

im the one who ends up leaving make it okaysee a war i wanna fight it

see a match i wanna strike it

every fire i ignited faded to grey

my headphone was pulled out of my ear by a familiar hand, sighing at his gesture i looked down at my phone and paused my dearest bands song to listen to my fathers lecture.

"Merida stop being so hopeless. grow up your turning 18 soon act like it. i don't want to hear anymore of this anxiety or depression shit from your doctor your perfectly fine. your just being a baby" i just held back my tears and watched as he pulled into our driveway.

my dad doesn't understand my anxiety and depression because he believes you can control everything in your head, he doesn't get that some things just cant be controlled. i try my hardest to "control" my anxiety and depression but there are times that i don't even know whats going on. i went to my room like i always do i spend all my time in my room, i don't come out unless i need or have to. laying in my bed scanning through tumblr liking and saving all the 5sos photos, there my only savior i live for them and them only. i see all these beautiful girls meeting them and loving every moment of it , yet i will never get that chance I'm a hopelessly broke fan.

i started to fall asleep when my phone buzzed and the all to well known song "wherever you are" played, the screen lit up with my best friends face.

"bitchachooo" i answered with a little smile.

"guess what i got you for your birthday?" she squealed.
"my birthday isnt for another 2 days" i said very confused as to what so could have gotten me.

"i know but in 2 weeks we are going to see 5SOS in concert" she screamed and i had dropped my phone in pure shock and joy. i don't know if i want to cry or scream so i just sat staring at my wall. "hey? merida? did you die? HELLO?" i heard Tia yelling as i picked up my phone.

"y...yes. oh my.. i'm so happy i don't even know how to handle this." i sighed still unable to cry or scream.

"well boo ill let you relax, i don't want to flare up a anxiety attack so i'm taking you shopping next week for it see you at your party. love you" with that she hung up.

i layed on my bed staring at my sealing while small little tears of joy streamed down my face as i fell asleep in pure bliss.

"get up" my dad yelled and kicked my bed. i opened my eyes to him and my puppy in my doorway. "do the dishes, i'm taking phoenix to the lake be back around 1 and its 6:30 so." him and my puppy phoenix left the room with a loud slam of my door. i unlocked my phone to set a alarm when i see a notifications on twitter, Tia posted 5 photos of our tickets and our v.i.p passes with the message "i wanted you 18th birthday to be everything you ever wanted to i bought these. you'll get to meet the reasons you live everyday and ill get to meet the hero's in my best friends life." i started to lightly sob my best friend doesn't even like 5sos like i do and she went out of her way to buy these. after that beautiful i decided instead of going back to bed that i would get up an shower. i undressed in front of my bathroom mirror, just staring at my body. i hate my body so much, my stretch mark filled hips screamed "no one loves stretch marks" my stomach laughed "you don't eat anything, eat less" i finally turned away and got into my shower, once the hot water reached my thighs i cringed at the hot water touching my newly cut skin seeing as to i cut them yesterday before i left for the doctors.