Jesus those Naruto Mary Sues destroyed me...but hey, duty calls. Next on my hit list are the laughable Mary Sues of the Bleach fandom. Ichigo's universe is riddled with these power-leeches. Who better than Trash_Tanuki to purge them from our beloved...
Quick notice. Milo will be taking a short brake from Mary Sue hunting. He will be back. I promise.
Now, let's get into this Sue. The story is called Little Me by tinytinalovedangers. Her Sue is shamelessly inserted into the Kurosaki family with absolutely no explanation as to where this extra child came from. Literally none. It starts out with a character profile, so I'll be examining that. I have to mention Mary Sue Facepalm run by Ace and Mukuro on tumblr. They completely obliterate OC's profiles and gave me the inspiration to start my own hunt. Time to dig in.
I challenge you to a "Try Not to Cringe" competition. How many of you can read through this entire thing without cringing once? Only one way to find out.
WHY ARE YOU YELLING THESE FACTS AT YOUR READERS. IT'S JUST-
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Good god please disable your caps button. Besides that everything seems fine so far. Her physical features are a little too similar to Ichigo's, but that's an easy fix. A birthmark here, scar there. Nothing big.
BIRTHDATE: 21 ST OF JANUARY
PERSONALITIES:CHILDISH, KIND, HAPPY, FRIENDLY, SERIOUS AT TIME , BUBBLY, WISE, PEACEFUL,,HARMONIOUS,MUSICLOVER,TALENTED,PRODIGY,SMART,SOMETIME HIDE EMOTIONS.
Ho..hold on. That is a lot just to describe her personality. Also I wouldn't classify happy as a personality trait. That's more of an emotion. The "peaceful" and "harmonious" description is already given in her name, so I'd leave it out. Not sure why you gave up on putting spaces after commas... I'd return to doing that.
HOBBY: DRAWING , PLAYING WITH TOMOE , READING , SINGING , PLAYING THE PIANO
LOOKS: EXACTLY LIKE THE COVER BUT MINUS THE HAIR COLOUR AND IMAGINE THE HAIR IS THE SAME SHADE OF ORANGE AS ICHIGO.
Yeah I'd just describe her looks here...not reference the cover. You could mention that she looks like the girl on the cover after you describe her but not many people want to leave what they're reading just to see what a character should look like. Alright. Skipping the disclaimer and on to Chapter 1.
kakuzo's pov
i was walking home from my gymnastic class until i saw Ichi-nii talking to a spirit.It appears to be a girl.I went to Ichi-nii and greet the spirit.
We're just on the first few sentences and there's already a bunch of problems. First, "I" is supposed to be capitalized. Second, the "until" part of the first sentence just sounds wrong. "When" would be a better choice. The tense of your story changed from the first sentence to the second. It's a bit confusing for the reader. Lastly, "greet" should be "greeted" if you're going for a past tense story. Not sure which tense you want at this point.
