The Last Time

Chapter 1

Just one more line. That's what I keep telling myself, but I know that within the next hour that one will quickly have become 2, and then 3, and then 4.. It's the never ending battle I go through daily.
It helps, helps me forget, helps fill the void that Lindsey left, it gives me the will to carry on, makes me think I can get through one more day.
I look at myself in the mirror, I look at the pale, thin, lifeless person that I've become, I look at the makeup that carefully conceals the bruises along my cheek. Joe didn't mean to do it, he never does, he just gets angry.
I quickly snort the white powder and rub off any residue around my nostril. The last thing I need is Christine giving me another one of her 'talks'.
I check my watch and realise I've been in the bathroom for a while, I should leave before people start to question me. With one last glance in the mirror I leave and walk slowly toward the living room, where most people seem to have assembled. I didn't really want to come to this party of Mick's, but the rest of the band were all going. I'd already skipped the last few because Joe doesn't like me going out, if I'd skipped this one too it would surly raise questions. I see Christine talking to Carol Ann in the corner. God, I despise that woman. Does she think I don't notice her pathetic attempts at dressing like me? Why can't Lindsey see that she's just using him for his fame? I would feel sorry for him if he hadn't been treating me like dirt for the past few months. I don't even understand what I've done wrong, I never do when I comes to Lindsey these days.
Christine see's that I'm on my own and comes towards me
"Hey love, you alright? You were in the bathroom for a while."
She eyes me suspiciously. There's no use in lying when it comes to Chris, she knows what I was doing from the look in my eyes, yet I lie anyway.
"Just needed some time to freshen up, that's all."
I smile sweetly, attempting to fool her, but it has no effect.
"Stevie, please just take it easy on that stuff okay? I'm worried about you."
"Chris, I think I can look after myself, thank you very much."
She's sighs. She knows I've not been okay for a long time, and she knows there's something more than the drugs going on. I want nothing more than her help, but I'm scared about what'll happen, about what he'll do.
"Stevie, seriously, quit the act, I know you, I know you're not okay. Please, just let me in, I want to help, I don't want to see you hurt."
Oh, if only she knew. I was close to telling her everything right there and then, but I quickly took charge of my emotions, hoping she didn't notice the brief moment of weakness in my eyes,
but I can tell from the look in hers that she did.
"Chris, I'm fine, can you just leave me alone please?"
I didn't mean to sound quite so snappy, but I know Chris won't take it to heart. She looks at me sympathetically, almost as if saying 'I know you're hurting right now, please let me hurt with you'. She doesn't realise that I don't feel the hurt anymore, it's become part of everyday life, it's like a burden you're forced to live with forever, you just get used to it being there.
I walk towards to table of alcohol. If I was going to survive tonight, I needed to be numb, and cocaine alone wasn't going to do it.
I pour myself a double whiskey and go to sit down on the couch.

Christine watches me closely for the rest of the night, and to be honest, it's nice knowing someone cares. Usually all I get is Lindsey and Carol Ann parading their new found 'love' in front of me, an obvious attempt to get me jealous, and if I'm being honest, it works.
I look at the clock on the stand next to me and realise I've been here far too long. Joe will be mad. I quickly say goodbye to everyone and rush into my car and tell the diver to hurry. I wonder what my punishment will be tonight, will it be shouting? I doubt that, that's far too subtle for him. Violence? That sounds more like it, maybe even sexual, I'll just have to pray there's still enough cocaine left in my system to shut out pain, but somehow, I doubt it, nothing makes this go away.