CC

Him fr It

Never pick sides

Never choose between two

But I just wanted you

I just wanted you

If there was any one person, it would be him.

Lately it's been difficult to sort out what exactly was I feeling for another person. Is it the feeling you need to know them like she said? Picturing a future together if it's strong like she said? I don't think the people I think I like fit that. Not that no. It's not a strong feeling, as of right now at least. But the terms are familiar like I've seen them before, because inside I know I have. I've seen it when I knew whatever I said would be comfortable. When there was so much to say and I messed up with my speech but it was okay. When the conversation flowed nicely into silence. When I looked at him and knew I've never felt this strong for anybody before, and when he stared back with the same conviction that it was easy to sit and stare at each other. When he made me laugh, smile, and, I don't know, felt good about myself, like everything I was doing was right. When he got a haircut and messed with it all the time. When I noticed it.

What I hated the most were the circumstances it happened under and every idiot decision I made while taking my goddamn leap of faith. I don't admit to it being right, or any choices I made fair. It wasn't fair to be a victim of the situation, which was all of us. And it wasn't fair to use the dumb decisions I made to convince you that hey it will work. I wasn't fair.

I don't agree that the whole thing wasn't worth our time, that you weren't worth our time, because if you weren't then why would I be here in the first place. I think as much as you've told me everything you liked about me (which is kind of disappointing by the way, I mean anyone can be pretty or smart or kind or funny), you just wanted to hear it reciprocated which I didn't do enough. I won't be able to explain it in the same way. It's just two people click, as typical as it sounds, and I think we fit like two puzzle pieces, attracted like the north and south poles of a magnet, went together like PB & J. You're just awesome. I've heard you explain it once like that to me, "Every time I think I don't like you anymore, I call you again and think 'dangit she's awesome'", and I don't know how that means so much more than a list of common things, but it does.

I've wondered a lot what my life would be like now if you'd stayed and if I made all the "right" moves instead of what I did. It's not a good thing; I'm not proud of it. Most songs I listen to still trigger these thoughts from time to time, even after all the 49 days it took me to get over being an "inconvenience" to you, while you weren't for me. I've gotten farther academically than I think I ever have, freaked out too many times over my life and the confusion, and basically hit reset on the people I call my friends. All of those things would probably change the direction and magnitude or those actions, but I'd say they were inevitable.

Dammit you were so awesome and so beautiful and so mine, while not being mine at all, that I never wanted it to change, minimally at least. Maybe I was in fact making it up all in my head, fooling myself to believe that whatever was had meant something (it must've right, if I haven't gone through these motions before?) and I was instead some misinformed child. Dammit there I go, being wrong and disappointing once again in this lifetime. The one thing I can say for sure though: I've seen a few haircuts and the insecurities that go along with it, I wish I got to see the last one grow out, and not have to depend on my memory for a reminder of what has happened.