CC

re-analysis: what the hell did i do

Some things just need to be said

I. RAL

I like the following. I like the waiting on me. Not in every aspect of it though. Don't you have an opinion? It can't be perfect. I know. Dang it I know. Daaaaanggggitttt. I just hate they have to be so omissive all the time. And I'm just busy being a girl and freaking out all the time. Why can't I be happy huh self? Can you just stop thinking so much and just be happy and not sad when you see a ton of other people with some kind of company with intertwined hands when you can't be with someone you like because of distance or indifference? Can't you just be happy because you know they like you and it's mutual? Why can't you be happy huh? I don't know the problem. I can't see it. I don't know the problem enough to do anything about it. I hate that.

Hmph. I think the problem is I'll just keep trying to make things great. The best. And not that you don't care about that, you don't care to do the same. No faults. It's no one's fault. I don't know, I can see a pattern. I try to be awesome and great or whatever is said, but I just can't see how one doesn't want to be that. For another person. Even for themselves. To be the best they can, to fulfill their role in someone's life.

Is that, in a way, putting your best foot forward? Wanting to be great for another person?

Wanting them to like you and trying to get their attention by being their ideal companion? No. Not that. Showing them my potential to be great? More like that even though it sounds the same. There's a difference in there. I don't try to get anyone to like me. I swear I don't. It seems like such a lie. It's once I know hey, they like me too, I want to show a reason to keep being my companion. How I can act as human as my DNA proves. How lively I can be.

There's a difference between comfortable me and meeting me. How do I make that transition smooth. I don't know. Transitions are definitely the hardest part to write. For myself anyway. Why was it so smooth with Carter. Why was it so hard between us. Compatibility? Why is it different?

II. Streit

I wonder a lot, what if I just never told you about RAL. Because that's when the conversations stopped being about football and band, and started centering on us. I think I would be fine. Maybe I wouldn't have rushed anything. Maybe I would've not seen all the things I saw that screamed "wrong". Maybe RAL and I would've worked, and we would've found things to talk about and not turning out to be "too different". (Bull crap) I know I wouldn't be here. In this mess I can only blame on myself.

Do I like you? I remember what liking you was, I remember what it felt like. But after so much neglect this week and constantly being let down, I don't know if it's the same feeling just being covered by the frustration? Anger? Nope, MADNESS, or if it's just not the same as it was before something happened?

Yeah I remember it being "Hey, sorry, can't talk right now. I'll explain later". I mean I understand you can't talk at the moment. I will understand why later, as long as there is an explanation later which theRE WASN'T. 1 week of that (but really only the first two days, then nothing) passes and it's the weekend.

Can't talk at all.

Won't explain why.

There's only so much I'm going to choose to understand and choose to be, I dunno, calm about before shit will hit the fan and I can't not be pissed off. (Then feel like a jerk for later) Congratulations, you've hit the breaking point! (I mean, I'd rather shower with a bear than relive the week... it was a horrible week) I've cried numerous times; I've spent the week doing absolutely nothing when I got home, consumed in my doubt; I've wasted my time drawing instead of working harder like I promised myself.

I don't mean to complain about you this much. You know that. I hate being annoying. I hate the fact I am annoying and a burden and I call way too much and I cling too much and I'm dependent on others way too much. The fact I am annoying annoys me. But it's too easy to complain about you. I'm going to regret this all if I hear the reason for the cold shoulder, I know I will. That's just how I am.

I know, I know, I know you've got a reason.. Maybe I caused it even, and I screwed myself over by talking to you too much over the break. Maybe it's death which makes me a jerk, putting myself as a priority. But I still don't know the reason. I used to assume the worst but that somehow led to people ditching me.  And if you really just don't want to talk, maybe you didn't like me as much as I thought you did. As much as I like you. Which sucks.

III.
Despite recent events,

Who was the mistake hm

Why can't I know that.

IV.
Update: Why couldn't I have known that*
Why couldn't I have known they were both mistakes but also both necessary.
These people are irrelevant now. But I wanted this to be out there because it mattered. And they way that I felt mattered because it hurt and I don't want to feel that way again but now I am that way again.
Sorry