A Hole in the Heart

Chapter 4

The first week of high school is quite boring and very uneventful besides the stroke that Dad had. He still is not home and the doctors cannot figure out what the cause was. Saturday I sleep past noon and then do not leave my room. I go to my desk and grab my sketch pad. Since everything else seems out of my control,  why not work on something that I can control? The more I design and sketch, plan and sew, the more prepared I will be. Right now my future seems to be the most concrete thing I have. Great, right?

I create new clothes and brainstorm ideas until I feel better. I look up and my window is providing the last light of day. I go downstairs and grab a glass of water. I do not know where Mom is so I wonder back upstairs. I feel kind of disgusting so I get clean clothes to put on and head to the bathroom.

Once again I climb into bed with a book after wasting another day. It's not like there is anything to do. I fall asleep before I even get to the second chapter.

♡♡♡

I wake up to Moms shaking me. "You need to get up or we will be late for church." It's Sunday?... I guess it is. I quickly get up and pull on a dress and sandals. Scurrying downstairs I grab a banana and jump in the car.

We get to church just in time. We find our pew but it seems empty without Dad. We open with prayer then Pastor John delivers the message, starting with Scripture. I zone out until something pulls my conscious back to him. He is talking about loss. It turns out to be a great message but I do not like how close to my situation it is. I feel like he is talking about me in front of the whole congregation.

I try thinking the entire way home but I can not make my brain focus. I keep drawing a blank, literally. It is like someone is pulling a white sheet in front of my face and that is all I can concentrate on.

I help Mom make lasagna for dinner. There is not much conversation on my behalf. We watch television until it is ready to eat. Mom says grace and then we eat and clean up. I pull out my sketch pad again to entertain my afternoon. At some point my phone goes off. When I check it is from Sarah.

Hey! Do u want 2 go 2 the movies w/ me?

I sigh but respond:

Sorry! I have a lot of work 2 do.

I hate lying to her but I am already going to have to deal with people tomorrow. I clear my head with a shake and I cannot think of how I was going to finish the outfit. Forget this!  I will just read the book I started last night. Around 9 o'clock I do not think I can read another word without screaming. I put the book away and think. I think myself into oblivion after staring at the white canvass that does not want me to think.