Prismatic ⇒ Avengers [ 2 ]

Addiction

But it's not bedtime, because I can't sleep.

I toss, I turn, I rearrange myself in all sorts of ways, but unconsciousness evades me to the point of despair. And this time it isn't in fear of nightmares, or panic, or fear, it's a driving force within me, a spark in my body that's still telling me to go.

I'm so high on the adrenaline, the fight on the helicarriers that I can't come down again. I'm buzzing, driven, with steely eyes and hands that won't uncurl from their firsts, and an aching need for pain. I didn't get hurt this time. Not badly enough. The bullet wound in my shoulder is wrapped in a bandage, but because I hulked out almost immediately after the shot, it's healed so rapidly I can barely feel it. Damn it.

Even my thoughts scare me, these days.

I throw the covers off and pace around the bedroom silently, becoming more and more incensed with each step. Finn watches me through sleepy eyes, his nest of blankets under the piano, which I'd play- but unfortunately, it would wake him up completely, and if there's one thing I don't want, it's a hyperactive dog getting me even more worked up.

Damn it, damn it, damn it.

I pace out of my room, kicking the door closed and wincing when the sound bounces off the walls. Since it's so painfully obvious that I'm not going to be able to sleep, I focus my efforts on reaching the gym, hoping that hitting something will make me feel better. Yeah, because when has that ever failed?

After the excitement of the past few days, the hollow void that the resolution has left me with demands to be filled. I didn't think it was possible to hate myself this much, because how can you love yourself when the need for pain fills up every fibre of your being?

I remind myself that things aren't resolved, that there are still unanswered questions- the forefront one being Jo's vision, that somehow predicted what happened. The Soldat. The sky falling. The parasite within S.H.I.E.L.D. How can any of this be a coincidence? I don't want to tell Bruce or Tony, or anyone, just yet, because if she really is seeing the future, the power Loki's blue sceptre holds is even greater than I imagined- and I don't know how to deal with that just yet.

Secondly, the Soldat- Bucky. I have to constantly rename him in my mind, reminding myself that he actually has a name, a real name that he was given when he was born. James Buchanan Barnes. Apparently he was a war hero, along with Steve. I can't imagine how he must be feeling, to suddenly realise he isn't the only one from his time. That he isn't even the only super-soldier in the world anymore. I shouldn't have taken my eyes off Bucky. Now he's gone and it's all my fault.

"Brynn?" I freeze, spinning around quickly as my muscles lock into a defensive position on instinct- only to see Bruce, leaning against the door frame. "You're up late."
"Couldn't sleep." I say bluntly, wondering if he's going to send me back to bed. Instead, however, he glances over his shoulder.
"I've got a basket of cookies, if you want to join me." He offers carelessly shoving his hands into the pockets of his lab coat. Even though he's acting casually, I suspect that he's studying my ever move through his wonky glasses.
"If you think you can bribe me, Banner... You'd be absolutely right." I mutter, following him into the lab.

"What're you doing up so late, anyway?" I ask, glancing around the laboratory. Several computer screens are showing maps of the world, blinking and shining on different continents. "Looking for something?"
"Mmhmm." He says, through a mouthful of cookie, holding out the basket. When I take one, and he manages to swallow his mouthful. "Loki's sceptre. It's in HYDRA hands, and that's definitely not a good thing, for any of us."
"Especially if they can create more super-humans with it." I murmur, sliding up onto one of the work surfaces, biting into the cookie. Oh my god. "Bruce, you're gonna have to hide that basket, because these are incredible."
"I'm sure NASA would appreciate that." He chuckles, amused. "They sent me a basket over as a thank you for fixing one of their satellites."