My Forever (OLD)

Ten: Torn

Madalynne

I awoke in a panic this morning, jarring me out of another terrible nightmare. Only this time, something was different. This time, I felt relief when I remembered Parker was finally here, in Hawaii, after all of our time apart. Then, my mind switched to Lee.

The entire morning as I showered, got dressed, and ate breakfast, my heart and mind were in an all time war; switching to Lee, and then reverting back to Parker and so on and so forth until I couldn’t take it anymore. The guilt was killing me.  I knew then, I was a terrible person. My heart screamed Parker. My head screamed Lee. And me? I literally just screamed until I couldn't take it anymore. I couldn’t remember the last time I had ever been this torn or confused about anything.

It had been almost two weeks since I had asked Parker to stay in Kauai. I thought that the time I had asked for would be the turning point for me. It would help me make my decision, but truthfully, the more time I spent with both guys, the more confused it left me. I felt guilty for all of it. For getting together with Lee when I was still clearly in love with Parker. For asking Parker to stay when I was clearly head over heels for Lee.

Every moment I spent with Lee, I felt anxious to be back with Parker and vice versa. I felt like I was not making any head way and my biggest fear was that my month would run out and I was going to lose both of them.

When I thought about life without Lee, I found myself crying uncontrollably. When I thought about losing Parker, it left me physically sick, puking for hours on end, in between sobs. This was not a predicament I would wish upon anyone. I knew my time was running short and I was going to have to make a decision sooner or later, and deep down somewhere locked away inside me I had the answer. I always had the answer; I was just terrified to admit it.

I picked up my phone and dialed the number I could remember in my sleep.

“Hello?” He answered, and instantly, I felt calmer. “Parker,” I replied, breathlessly, “I need to see you.”

“Babe? Are you okay? You sound kind of strange?” Parker asked, sounding genuinely concerned.

“I’m fine. Listen, can you meet me at my house?” I looked at the clock making a mental note that I probably had less than forty five minutes before he arrived.

“Of course…See you soon. I love you.” He waited for a minute, anticipating me to say it back.

“You too,” I replied quickly before hanging up. Even though I knew I loved him and always would in my heart, it didn’t seem fair to say it back…especially with everything going on.
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My time was running out and I was very aware of it. The more time I spent with Parker the more apparent it became how difficult this all was for him. Having to sit idly by while his girlfriend got to split her time between him and another male…I understood his resentment.

Lee was more understanding. Maybe it was because our relationship was so new and so fresh…or maybe it was because he didn’t want to lose me either…in any case I appreciated the breath of fresh air.

I had been trying to spend time solely with one guy each day, but it was becoming more difficult to turn down their advances. Every time I was with Lee, he consumed me; taking over my every thought and emotion. And when I was with Parker he entranced me, allowing me not a single moment to think of another but him.

Today was supposed to be Lee’s day, and I still had every intention of making it so…but I couldn’t get Parker off of my mind. Ever since he had spilled the beans and been honest with me about how he too had fallen for me right away, it captivated my attention tenfold.