Umbrella | Xu MingHao

vii. shameless blame

Days went by so fast
Even if I didn't get
to see you
it was alright.

Today I finally felt
like I belonged where I was.
Writing this music
gave me strength that I lacked.

It always were you
who wished to work in this business
but it intrigued me too
and I just gave it a try.

It was so fun to finally smile
while writing a song
instead of trying
not to cry.

After a long long time
my song was filled with joy
and the words I wrote down
lightened up the song.

It wasn't heartbreaking
it didn't hurt me at all
such an amazing feeling
that I forgot to exist.

Too bad it wasn't you
who inspired me this much
I still could see
pain flash in your eyes.

But what could I do?
You didn't let me explain.
You just ran away
leaving me in awe.

You always were sensitive
fragile some might say
but I always knew
you're stronger than me.

And I didn't know
where did you go,
I tried to find you,
but you were long gone.

Junhui didn't judge me,
he just gave me a smile
wr climbed down from rooftop
and went on our paths.

And here I was again
in my small dusty office.
But it wasn't that bad
or at all, I kind of liked it.

Until I heard a knock on my door
and I suddenly jumped
I didn't expect
for someone to come.

The same young woman
who led my way here
invited me to go with her
she had a quest waiting for me there.

We went on confusing halls
I might have got lost,
but she didn't have to check twice
and we were soon by the door.

We went in without knocking
I hoped I won't have
to introduce myself
awkwardly coughing.

Several eyes pierced
my body at once.
I felt chills roll down
my spine and my bones.

They all seemed kind
and no one was angry for interfering.
They invited me to sit down
by their little table.

And then a boy
that they named Woozi.
He showed me the stuff,
he had been working on, proudly.

It was lyrics,
also tons and tons of sheets
It amazed me
how much he achieved.

I got lost in the words
I forgot time exists
by the time I finished
he wad all shaky, but stiff.

He waited for me
to speak up about notes,
but I needed to admit
I was wordless from them.

I searched for sounds
to express my feels,
but neither seemed
fitting for this.

His lyrics were more than just words,
I didn't know if he knew that.
They touched my heart
and tied my tongue.

When I got back my sense,
I started talking.
He listened carefully
what impressed me mostly.

I was so knew to the biz
he had worked in,
but he looked up at me
as if I was his sunbae.

Compliments escaped
my mouth,
he deserved nothing more
than just praise from my side.

I had to admit,
I envied his talent.
And jealousy stung my heart
after endless talking.

I was so glad that
I could speak a word
and quietly I told to myself
that my Korean improved.

He tried so hard
to speak to me in Japanese
and I had to correct him
that I'm in fact Chinese.

You should have seen him blush
after hearing my words
he couldn't lift his eyes
until I assured him it's fine.

We laughed and laughed,
it was very fun.
I got even more inspired
to write a new song.

I showed him my work
and he flattered me nicely.
I really hope he liked my work
and wasn't just joking.

When I heard the door open,
I had to check the clock.
I lost the track of time,
I completely forgot.

Who showed up behind doors,
made me smile even more.
It was Junhui,
until I saw.

You came as well,
our stares crossed paths,
my cheeks turned red
and you lowered your eyes.

No one noticed and
I took in deep breath
but as you passed by
my heart was beating fast.

Woozi invited you two
to record your new song
I wanted to go,
but he said I can stay.

I should have just left,
but I didn't do it.
It felt like mistake
to put a wall up and walk away again.

I sat in that chair,
shaking, barely breathing.
Others were too concentrated
to see it.

But you, oh why you
why were you looking at me
your two deeps eyes
will be the death of me.

Your voice, it sounded so sweet,
but it had so much power within.
Such beautiful words
that you sang with passion.

I wanted to close my eyes,
and listen and listen.
At one point I wished
to never hear you again.

But even if
I was deaf
my heart would still
shout your name.

As you were done recording,
I felt the cold from inside.
It was spreading quickly
and took over my heart.

Junhui came up to me
and he just said hi.
But you were looking at him
willing to fight.

I tried to keep my face cold
emotionless for the sake of us both.
But I knew it won't
last very long.

I'm so cold from the outside,
but there are flames inside me.
They are burning me up,
burning me up and I can't help it.

It's so hard to believe
that you are gone for good,
oh for sure I'll be
missing you soon.

And I told myself
one million times.
That it was over and I had no right
to feel bad.

But how I ever,
ignore the pain in your eyes.
It was killing me dearly
with every second that passed.

I could see it in your eyes:
how much you cared.
A lonely tear streamed down your face.
I'm sorry boy, but I can't change.