Umbrella | Xu MingHao

i. painful love

I remember when I saw him
for the first time,
I remember how my heart went wild
and my mind mixed up.

I have never seen anyone like him, but did
he know oh how I felt? I bet he had no clue,
not an idea. it was souly my mistake
not to tell him when I had a chance.

Day after day spent searching
for him in the school,
looking for sign of him,
just a single clue.

And the happiness I felt when he
actually appeared in my sight,
and how I turned all red
just by the thought of his stare.

He didn't know who I was,
he couldn't see me even if I was
right in front of him
and I could find him even in the crowd.

But he never knew,
he never even imagined,
because I would always run away before finding courage to talk to him.

Until one day I understood,
I no longer will I be a fool.
I stood up, I came up
I confronted my one true love.

His eyes were full of confusion,
his brain went out of function.
I was nobody, just a stranger,
a girl he'd never seen.

I was shaking, but I hid it.
My nervousness was showing,
but I just smiled through brain-freeze.
He smiled back.

It was the most beautiful smile
the world has ever witnessed.
Was he aware that the smile
gave me a mini heart attack?

I never imagined for it to go so well.
I never even thought he will know - I am.
Day after day we became more
than just friends.

Then giggles turned into a laugh,
then hugs became a grip of love,
and when the kiss, oh my
it was the moment of my life.

A burning passion, it's true
I couldn't live without him
how sad that I became attached
I couldn't bear being apart.

Every second that passed without him,
seemed like eternity burning in hell.
Such a strange feeling,
Uncontrollable fire inside.

I never thought this is possible,
but here we are.
My heart had never beat so fast,
him and only him made me happy like that.

But things has changed,
and world turned upside down.
we grew up to be adults
with children's hearts.

So many storms has crushed us,
pushed us down, put us out.
The flames that were once burning wild
now barely survived.

Little by little, we drifted apart.
He never understood why I was so cold
But I knew I'm doing this for both
If I didn't do it - we would fall.

The longer I looked into his eyes
The deeper I fell in love
I knew I won't find a way out,
out of this love maze.

I searched for a solution,
but I couldn't find it.
There was no key from the prison
that kept us locked up by feelings.

The day that letter came,
I felt his life is about to change.
He wanted to leave so bad,
he wanted to achieve his dream.

I was holding him back,
I had locked him to his old life.
I wished for him to let me go.
I knew it'll be better if I'd go.

He had his feature written
black on white in the letter
he held it tight in his hands
I was the only obstacle left.

He said for me to stay,
but I went away.
A path of fame?
That's what I didn't let him waste.

How many nights he thought about it?
I know he wasn't dreaming
with his eyes wide open,
such a nightmare.

He couldn't let himself to sleep,
because those nightmares came after him
I hate myself for what I did
however I was sure that it's the right thing.

Maybe one day we'll meet again.
But not today, and not this month.
I'll go away, as far as possible, I'll try
to stay away from your path.

You trusted me too much,
you gave me so much,
I couldn't give you enough
This was my chance.

I needed to let you go, to free you.
I knew you wanted so bad it hurt you.
I didn't wish to break your heart,
to leave you.

But I did all it took
for you to move on.
If I had said that I will wait
you'd be stuck here.

Can't you see I'm no good for you?
With me you'll never
Pursue your dream.
Go on, move on, be who you want to be.

One day I'll see you on a stage,
all happy again.
I know you will forget me
as the time pass by.

There's nothing much to remember
but deep down I know
that I will cry,
I hope it will be happy tears

To see you doing what you always wished
I wanted nothing more than just
for you to succeed
to reach out for your dream.

That's why I'm leaving,
it's time to seperate.
One day you'll see me
and understand.

This wasn't just a stupid urge,
a foolish thought stuck in my head
you will realise I lost as much,
but I will not regret.

Do you know why?
Because I cared for you from all my heart.
I didn't want to tie you down,
I wanted you to fly.

We both were stuck in this little town,
but everything we felt was
just as real as somewhere else.
Our love and passion wasn't fake.

Maybe our gaze will never meet.
Maybe our eyes will never see.
Maybe our ears will never hear.
But our heart will beat and beat.

I ran my finger through his hair,
I could see it in his eyes:
how much he cared.
a lonely tear streamed down his face,
I have to go, goodbye my friend.