Bulgaria or Bust

(The scene is set in 1879 in a Bulgarian tavern in the midst of winter. The Bulgarian government is trying to base itself on America's functioning ways. There have been frequent sightings of peculiar, glowing objects floating through the sky, and it has the whole town on edge. On stage is a young man, Jon Hamilton, who is deeply invested in his theory that the creatures who crashed in the objects are living among them. He sits, reading his favorite conspiracy book, sipping tea.)

Jon Hamilton: Oh boy, do I love my tea! (taking in his favorite beverage with a long sip)

(Pumpkin enters from stage left, dressed in his pumpkin uniform, toddling towards Jon slowly. He sits, staring intently at his new table mate.)

Pumpkin: Evening.

Jon: Don't you just love tea in the winter? (Putting down his book to speak to his new found friend.)

Pumpkin: My name is Pumpkin. (taking Jon's tea cup; taking a sip for himself.)

Jon: (chuckling awkwardly) Heh... Well... I'm Hamilton- Jon Hamilton. (He takes back his tea, astonished at how rude Pumpkin just was, and picks up his book and starts to read again.)

(Diana enters. She is dressed in a disoriented fashion and has bright green ears and purple paws. The patrons do not know that Diana is one of the aliens that crashed on Earth days ago.)

Diana: How is every human on this fine date in the year of 1879? (Diana walks over to the bar, casually enjoying a cup of warm water- no tea in the glass.)

Barkeep: (casually shining the countertop with a cloth) Hey. How's it going?

Diana: The day is fine. My current emotion is... (she checks her watch) Gleeful.

Barkeep: Glad to hear that, ma'am. So, where do you stand on the issue of politics?

Diana: Oh yes! Emperor Zlogorf... I mean... Abraham Lincoln is setting a very good example for our home country-where I have always lived- Bulgaria.

(Pumpkin and Jon continue their conversation but at a lower volume, allowing the audience to focus on Diana and the barkeep.)

Barkeep: Do you ever feel like no one's looking out for you? Like, you're so alone in the world? Nothing matters anymore, and... I don't know. Have you ever felt that way?

Diana: Holy Shlip-Shlong! ACK... Excuse my language...

Barkeep: (raising an eyebrow) So... You agree?

Diana: Never in my average lifetime will I ever agree to a statement of that sort! I believe that there is something more to this human body I have been given! I am special and destined for something on this planet! OH! I mean in this town...

Barkeep: And what makes you say that? There is no God therefore we're all just wasting away, poisoning our minds with thoughts that things could be more. But in reality, nothing matters at all.

Diana: THERE IS A GOD! (Diana yells this at a louder volume that she expected. Pumpkin and Jon look over, confused on what just happened.)

Pumpkin: What's all of this fuss? (Pumpkin waits a moment, then grabs the book out of Jon's hands, eyeing the photo of the alleged alien on the cover suspiciously. He finally came to the realization that Diana is in fact, the alien in question.) Great Spofforth!

Jon: What's wrong, Pumpkin?

Pumpkin: This... This photograph has resemblance to... (He looks up at Diana and cocks his head as if to say, "what is your name?")