ochlophobia ↳ jjk

셋

날 찍어 나 미쳐 다 싫어

전정국

i shuddered slightly, "i hate crowded places."

she only nodded. her lips curved to a smile for a split second before dropping back down. i could tell she felt uncomfortable and awkward, i wasn't fully sure why, though. maybe it was the fact that i had never really spoken to her, well, not directly. not like i was right now, i guess.

i waited a moment for her to do something, but she only stared back at me silently, like a statue almost. the hallway was starting to get more and more crowded by the second as students headed home. but if they were all supposedly leaving, why did it feel so tight suddenly.

now i was starting to feel uncomfortable.

nana kept her same position meanwhile i started inching toward the lockers that were barely a foot away. my hands gripped my sweater sleeves as my fingertips began to tingle. i felt a shoulder hit mine, making me flinch and my eyes dart to see people pass by me. as soon as i saw the school hallway, i felt my mouth become dry. students shoved their way through the crowd, causing those people to bump into others. from that domino effect, the people ended up bumping into my side.

i rocked onto my heels and regained by balance. i couldn't stand this anymore, my heart felt about ready to burst from how fast it was beating. i began glancing around to find a way out, yet everywhere i looked, all i could see was people. how many students did this school have?

i stared into the crowd, my breathing matching my heartbeat, increasing, making my head hurt. i gripped the sweater on my heaving chest, my eyes widening. i bit my trembling lips.

"jungkook?"

i nearly jumped when i heard her voice, above all others. i turned to look at her, she looked confused.

feeling yet another body bump into mine, i released a long breath. i had to escape now, there was no way i could last longer. i felt like dying.

"i have to go."

without a word, i gave her a last glance and pushed into the crowd behind me. my body was immediately shoved in every direction. i could barely walk a foot without crashing into another person. i was pushed down the hall in a current, i had to choice but to move with it.

a good length away, i could see the front doors. they were so far, why did they have to be so far? i tilted my head towards the ceiling slightly to take a few breaths. i felt compressed within the crowd.

from the corner of my eye, i spotted the sign reading 화장실: bathroom.

i let out a sigh and pushed through the crowd, heading directly towards the sign. nearly tripping over my own feet, i stumbled into the bathroom. the door slammed behind me.

i stared into the empty bathroom, my heavy breathing was the only thing that i could hear in the silence. i ran a hand through my bangs as i walked towards the sinks, wiping the beads of sweat that had formed on my forehead. as i breathed out, i felt hot suddenly, almost like having a fever. i pulled my sweater over my head and tossed it onto the counter. looking at myself through the mirror, i unbuttoned the top two buttons of my uniform shirt, immediately feeling cooler.

i sighed and turned the key on, watching as the clear water dripped from the spout onto the white sink. i let my fingers linger beneath the running water a bit to calm my nausea.

i hadn't had an attack in a few weeks, i thought i had somehow overpassed it. before i'd get them more frequently, ever since i was in secondary school. this year, they were occasional. i was convinced they would go away. mom always promised to take me to get it checked out, but father insisted it was just school stress and that i was old enough to control it. how the hell could i control something i had no knowledge over?

i cupped my hands under the running water, letting it pool on my palms. i brought my face towards my hands and splashed the water over it. i let out a long sigh and glanced back at my reflection. soaked skin, wet bangs, dripping chin, sad eyes.

sometimes i felt helpless and vulnerable. but most of all i felt frustrated, out of every feeling i had the anger inside me always won in the end. i had no control over anything, dammit, why was i so pathetic?

i turned the water off and huffed out a breath. i suddenly felt angry towards myself. why couldn't i be normal and not have this problem? why was i even alive in the first place?

outside, the noise of the crowd slowly died down. my body was still shaken and weak from the experience earlier, i couldn't afford risking another attack. guess it would be good quality time spent in the bathroom until, well, until the hallways were empty. who could guess when that'd be...

-

after a good, i want to say, hour and a half, the sounds outside completely stopped. i was sitting next to the wall where i had dozed up when a call woke me up.

"where are you? you should've been home almost two hours ago!"

i sighed when i heard my mother's worried voice, "i'm sorry, eomma. i was...fixing something."

"you need a better excuse, jungkook. come home now!"

mother was protective of me, she always worried. i couldn't lie to her, maybe she'd understand that i had an attack.

i hung up and placed my phone back into my pant pocket. slowly, i stood up onto my wobbly feet. how was i supposed to walk home? missing my bus really had a consequence.

gathering my belongings, i walked out of the bathroom and into the empty hallway. there was no soul in sight, thank god.

i was completely lonely, just like i'd always been.

{                 a.n

i will be updating short chapters everyday -hopefully- until its finished.

}