{ #1 } I Was Shooting For The Moon, I Hit Two Stars (MxMxM || 18+)

Chapter 57 - Is This The End, I Feel?

(Alex's POV - Fri. 8 May 2015)

Brrrr...

The blanket I found in a trash container two days ago in Urbana doesn't help much. I'm rather short, but the rug is too small to cover my entire body and too thin to block the chilling wind. The weather has been nice enough again this week, however, the nights remain cold, especially when you sleep in the open air.

The physical result is that my jaw is aching from teeth clattering; my neck, my shoulders and my back have become stiff from all the shivering; and I am tired.

I'm tired from the lack of sleep, but I'm also tired of this whole situation. Last week, I couldn't sleep much because of the sadness and guilt I felt, but at least, I was more or less safe in the motel room. That was until I was stupid enough to sleep with my window open and had my backpack stolen. This week has been much worse, though. Stress and fear have joined sadness and guilt.

Spending the night in dark alleys, woods, parks or deserted areas is scary and anxious – at least to someone as weak as I am – because you always fear getting attacked by hostile people, and then it's always so uncomfortable and cold. I have strived to crash in discreet places, hidden from potential passers-by, but I'm always so scared to wake up and find out that my last belongings have disappeared. I never fall asleep for more than a few minutes and it's more like drowsing off than sleeping.

My life has become such a hell that I have even thought about ending it. I doubt I would ever go that far, I'm too much of a coward. My parents would certainly hate me for doing anything so radical. Mark and Shannon would definitely hate me for committing suicide...

I use different places every night to get my rest – never twice the same place! – and last night, I chose a small park in Urbana that has more trees. Hidden among bushes and protected by the foliage from the wind and the potential rain, I felt a little safer. In the end, it didn't rain, but the night was super cold, almost freezing, and this morning, I just can't help shivering like a leaf despite the long-sleeve tee-shirt and the two sweatshirts I'm wearing.

Think about the sun... Think about Florida... Imagine you're on the beach and sweating under the sun...

Sadly, it doesn't work. I'm afraid that even a small room with the heater fully blasting wouldn't help me. I know what could warm my body. Or rather who. Mark's reassuring arms would do this for me as I would snuggle against his chest. Shan's front pressed against my back would provide me with heat and allow my muscles to relax.

Fantasizing about things I'll never have again brings tears to my eyes. This is all my fault and I just don't know how to sort the situation out; make my life better again. I just can't go on living like this. For sure, summer will show up and sleeping outside will be less difficult with warmer weather, but then, fall will be back, and even worse, winter. Winters in Illinois are terrible, and I can't imagine myself sleeping in parks when it snows and freezes.

I have to move on, find a job, get an apartment, but I can't seem to find the strength to move these days. On Monday, I went for another job hunt, but what with this big duffle bag I have to carry along? What with my looks? It's so hard to look decent! Between my tired features and my crumpled clothes, I'm just awful. Who would hire someone who looks like shit? I'm not dirty since I managed to sneak twice into one of the campus gyms to shower, but I can't say I look good either.

I just sigh at the thought of another warm shower. I shudder as I remember Mark's huge bathroom in Chicago. Mark... I miss him and Shannon so much. I long for their endless affection. I crave for their tenderness and attention. I yearn for Mark's dominance and I'd do anything to hear his deep and scolding voice.