How can I love you?

4

            Alex dragged me to practically every clothing store, bringing piles of clothes to the change room, and asking my opinion on how each outfit looked on her. I tried so hard to not say, "You're beautiful in everything, Alex." I honestly don't know why. I acted as if I was just her best friend, shaking my head when she said that the outfit she had on look bad on her. Although that was false, because Alex looks amazing in everything, I just agreed with whatever she said. Don't ask me why I did that, because I really don't have an answer. Alex looked like she was having loads and loads of fun, and I guess I was too, because seeing her bright and wonderful smile, just makes my day a thousand times better.

           Isn't it weird how just something so simple and small about one person can drive you insane? Not like psychopathic-insane, I mean in a like, spiritual way I guess? Like you feel so attached to someone that you can actually feel it driving you crazy. Seeing their smile, and hearing their laugh makes your heart flutter like a hummingbirds' wings. When you just stare into their eyes, and you feel like you're falling into an abyss. You end up getting lost in the sight of their eyes, and you can't look away. Their touches can feel like fire that's burning through your skin. And the thought of their lips pressed up against your lips, and the thought of their hands ru—

         "Sheila?"

          I flinch a little. What happened? I focus on the person in front of me and find Alex staring at me, confused.

       "Shi, are you okay?" Her voice rings in my ears. Did I space out?
       I blink a few times, "Y-Yeah. I think I just spaced out. Don't worry." I gave Alex a small smile. Jeez, stupid thoughts. Stupid daydreams, and fantasies.

      "Did you sleep at all?" Alex asked.
        I nodded, "Yeah, but I guess I'm a little tired, since you know, school normally tires me out."
       "Okay." Alex chuckles, and then dragged me to the food court, "Let's eat! I'm starving!"
       "That's because you've been running around the mall all day." I laughed. As I was getting dragged for about the thousandth time today, my cheeks began to flush red, as I remembered that I was just daydreaming about my best friend while with her. Ugh, that was embarrassing. I hope she doesn't think I was daydreaming about her. That would be a mess.

        When Alex and I arrive at the food court, she immediately rushes to one of her favourite places that sells Asian food. I'm not really that hungry, so I just kind of followed Alex and stood in line with her.
      "Aren't you gonna get anything?" She asks, taking out her wallet.
       I shake my head, "Nah, I'm not that hungry."
        Alex eyes me for a second, "Okay."

        The rest of the day was spent with Alex taking me to every store again, and getting some Starbucks afterwards. By 7 o'clock, we walked out the mall, and stopped by the entrance of our school. Above us was the glistening of the stars, blinking like lighthouses way up in the starry night of blackness. The silence and soft wind envelopes us, as we both stare up into the sky. Well, Alex stares up at the sky. I watch her in awe. The way her eyes sparkled brighter than the stars, and how her irises matched the darkness above. Her hair swayed gently with the wind; little strands covering her face. She was absolutely stunning.

        "I love you..."

         "What?"

          Oh shit. Did I just say that out loud?

         "Nothing!"

        Alex looks at me, a confused look on her face. I gave her a small smile, and she returns it. Silence.

         "We should go now." I say finally.
           Alex nods, "Okay. Goodnight, Shi."
          "Goodnight, Alex."

           And then we parted ways.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

          The next day, I get up and do the usual routine. My walk to school was a bit different than yesterday's. I have my earbuds plugged in, Zella Day playing on my phone. I remember the events of yesterday. The encounter with Jack and Ryan, meeting Ms. White, the mall with Alex, seeing Alex, spending the day with Alex.

           Then it hits me. How am I going to come out? There's too many people I need to tell. My parents, the school, Alex... Wait. I need to come out to my parents first! Oh jeez that's going to be a tough one...

           I spend the rest of my walk to school thinking up ideas and plans on how to come out. I also ended up thinking of the consequences after coming out.

         I enter the school building and make my way up the stairs to my homeroom. As I enter, there's a collection of groans and laughter.Everyone is huddled in the back of the classroom, and soft murmurs can be heard from some of my classmates. I can't quite make out the dialogue of them, but I slowly creep my way to the back, confused. Alex turns around and sees me.

          "Shi!" She beams.
         "Hey..." I trail off a bit, "What's happening?"
          "Oh, Colton's just showing everyone an article." Alex explains.
           "Oh. What's it about?" I ask.
            "How the police in Turkey tried to ruin the gay pride parade with water cannons and created a rainbow by accident." Ryan replies. He and Jack stand before Alex and I, and I gently push my way between the two to check out the article.

              "Hey, Colton." I say. He looks up at me, "Can I see your phone? I wanna check out that article."
              "Sure." He hands me his phone and I read over the article. The police tried to blast the pride parade with water cannons, and they 'accidentally created a rainbow'. I can't tell if I should laugh or not. Speaking of the Pride Parade, on June 26th, the U.S recently legalized gay marriage. I was actually really, really happy when that happened.

            "Why did the police use water cannons?" Jack says bitterly, "Should've just shot everyone there."
            "Yeah," Ryan adds, "legalizing gay marriage was a mistake in America. The streets are going to be filled with gays having heated make-out sessions."

           I cringe inside. Oh god... I glance over at Alex.

            "For once, I can actually agree with you two asses..." She mumbles, but loud enough for everyone to hear. For me, to hear.
            "Remember that girl from last year?" Colton says, joining the conversation, "What was her name?"
          "Jordyn." I answer. Now I kind of regret speaking for some reason.
         "Yeah. She was horrible."

          Was it because she 'looked' like a lesbian? I want to say.

          "Yeah, she was disgusting." Ryan laughs. I see Alex smile from the corner of my eye.
          "Did you see her checking out all the girls' ass and boobs?"
          "She was so gross."
          "I'm glad she moved schools."
         "Would've been better if she killed herself."
          "Hahah! I know right?"
          "What a disgrace."

           The words ring in my head over, and over, and over again. I can't believe I'm hearing this first-hand. I look down down onto the pearly, white marbled floor of my classroom, fear filling up my whole body. My heart is racing, and I'm about to burst into tears. I bite my lip. What do I do, what do I do, what do I do?

            "Hey Sheila." The sound of Ryan's voice breaks my thoughts. I snap out of my trance and look up at him with questioning eyes.

            "You're straight, right?"

           And suddenly, everyone's eyes are on me.