How can I love you?

5

           The question rings in my head. Shit, what do I say? This is my chance to come out! But then again, just a few minutes ago, everyone was trash-talking on us. I stand there for a few seconds, which seem like an eternity.

         "No." I lied, "Why would you ask that? I dated your ass, remember?"
         "I know that, babe. Just a joke." Ryan laughs. I narrow my eyes at him when he said the word babe. Ms. White enters the class, to begin attendance, and finally, we began our first day of classes.

         My first class is Chemistry. I walk in the lab with my notebook and everything, and the class is already filled. Everyone already seems to have a partner.

       "Hey Sheila!" I get greeted by one of my classmates last year.
       "Hey." I walk past the rows of tables and sit down next to a girl with lots of curves. She looked really pretty. Her hair was an auburn color, tied up into a ponytail with short strands of hair framing her face. She had little red freckles covering her face, and her eyes were a bright green. She kind of reminded me of a younger version if Ms. White. Her earbuds were plugged in, and her mind was consumed by her imagination from reading a book. She didn't realize that I had sat down beside her. She didn't even acknowledge my existence. I knew she didn't want to be bothered, so I just let her be.

          Most of my classmates in Chemistry seem to be new students, as I don't really recognize the majority of them. Chemistry is a bit boring for me, so I don't remember much of what my teacher said. But, I continue on, going from class to class, only having about two, or three with Alex. Really disappointing, honestly, but we can't do anything about it. The day goes by in a flash, and it's almost like any normal day at school. It still feels like I'm a sophomore, but I mean, school only started yesterday! Once the last bell rings, I head out after grabbing my things.

          "Shi!" I turn around and find Alex running towards me. She stops and pants in front of me.
        "Hey." I smile at her. Alex stands up straight, and looks me in the eye with her signature smile. My heart flutters again. Though, I feel like something isn't right. Is there someone staring at me? Is there someone staring at Alex? My smile falters a bit, and I start getting nervous.

         "Let's walk home?" Alex asks. I nod, and we head off. I take a quick glance behind me, making sure there's no stalker behind us. I'm probably just paranoid.

           As we walk, we talk about how school was. We talk about the classes we have, which teachers we have, and who's in our classes. I don't really have anyone I'm close with in any of my classes; mainly because I'm always with Alex, but it's nice to have people that I at least know in there.

        "Oh, my gosh." Alex squeals. I look at her, amused. "There's this really cute boy in my History class." She tells me. I feel my heart sink a little.
         "Really?" I ask, trying to sound interested, "What's he like?"

          "Well, he's kind of shy, but not really. His hair is like a light brown color, and he has these dark brown eyes that are just so... mesmerizing." She says with a dreamy look in her eyes. There's a feeling of jealousy in my gut. I try my best to hold in how I'm feeling, and listen to Alex talk about this guy in her class.
          "What's his name?" I ask. I try to act like how a best friend would act when there's a crush involved.
            "His name's Jake." She replies dreamily. I force out a small smile. Her cheeks are dusted with a light pink color, and she's staring at the ground with a smile; the kind of smile you make when you think about the person you love. Three emotions take over my brain; sadness, happiness, and jealousy.

           Sadness, because I'm not the reason that behind that gorgeous smile Alex is making. Happiness because I'm glad that she's in love, - and hopefully he'll treat her right if they ever end up together - and smiling. And jealousy, well, you should know that answer.

            It's difficult having a crush, isn't it? They bombard your brain with themselves, and pull you out of focus. You pray to God that they love you back, but you know that it's very unlikely. When life gives you the opportunity to tell them you love them, or do something that you've been holding back to do to them, you end up backing out because you feel as if they'll think it's weird, or that you're weird. You hope that the impossible scenarios in your head become a reality. You hope that you'll be able to hold them in your arms, take their hand into yours; with your fingers fitting perfectly between the spaces in theirs. You hope that you'll be able to feel the rush when your lips are connected with theirs. But you know that it's impossible. You know that you'll never be able to have those things become a reality. It's difficult to deal with a crush when you're so close to them, and you have this strong bond together, that could possibly break the moment they say, "I can't do this." It's even more difficult when you know they like someone else. It becomes a burden on your heart. You'll look at them with an aching feeling in your heart, because you know that no matter how much you love them, in the end, their heart belongs to someone else. Not you.

            Well, I mean, that doesn't always happen with crushes, right? Of course there are those special times when you both do get together, and live your lives the happiest as ever. It's even better when you end up spending the rest of your lives with them. In my case, this is unlikely. It's difficult to love the same gender when you're surrounded by people who hate the community you're in, and your 'species'.

           "Hey, Shi." Alex asks. I look at her. She stares at the road in front if her, before turning to look at me.

          "Do you like anyone?"