what about us ↳ michael clifford au

C H A P T E R T H R E E

C H A P T E R T H R E E

M A R C H 2  9 T H  , 2 0 1 6

6 : 3 8 A M

You know it's difficult to begin explaining how I've been feeling these last couple of weeks. Entire weeks that have felt like literal eternities. In terms of understanding my emotions, I couldn't properly explain them; no right words came to mind as to what I was going to do or say. I just felt lost, confused and completely stumped. And I was well aware that this was ridiculous, you know entirely foolish but my heart ached with so much pain, with so much sorrow; I couldn't comprehend what I did to end up in a state like this. I gave my all to him -- my love, my trust, my dreams and aspirations. We've spent many late nights, too many late nights talking about our dreams of a future together; a future that had been shattered by a betrayal like this. A betrayal I never expected especially from a person like him.

           But I guess, the saying is true -- "Expect anything, for the devil was once an angel." And if I would've known this was going to happen, I wouldn't have put all my effort into this relationship because to him, it seemed like he never even cared about it or cared about me. Yet I wasn't comparing Jack to the devil nor was I implying that he was an angel because we've all got our own set of mistakes. It's just that I had hopes for a future with him and now it's just a pale illusion of what were once my desires.

The time we shared was wholly gone within forty-two days of his arrival; I haven't talked to anyone close to me these past couple of weeks and I guess what I'm trying to do is avoid his name being thrown into the conversation which I knew at some point I have to prevail over that avoidance. But I didn't want to do it now, I needed more time.

           I know I just needed time, it's just that when I'm certain that I'm recovering from the situation; he comes back and reminds me with his calls, messages and random visits that go unanswered. I grew tired. Tired of the constant reminder and of his persistence.

Until 2 days ago, 2 days ago he showed up at my doorstep around one in the morning; I only answered thinking it was someone else but ultimately I was wrong -- definitely wrong.

At the sight of his face, my sudden intentions were to shut the door immediately but his foot disallowed this to happen and had only lead me to cry out in distress:

Nearly choking out the words while pushing against the door I spoke, "Please just go away Jack."

His voice softly allows the words to recite from lips, "Please just let me explain Gracie."

Infuriated and filled with sorrow I continued, "There's nothing explain, just leave."

"I can't leave."

Softly I begged him, "Please Jack, just go."

His voice cracks at my spoken words, "Please Emma, just listen to me. You don't have to say anything, I just want you to listen," he paused but later continued knowing I wasn't going to say anything back, "You don't have to look at me if you don't want, I-I just want you to hear me out for a minute."

I wasn't sure how I managed to even let out a response but I did, "Fine."

He sighs before declaiming his reason, "I don't know how to put this the right way Emma, I probably shouldn't have done this in person but somehow I am because I needed to hear your voice. Even after what happened I don't want to leave things the way we did and I know you probably despise me right now but I never meant to hurt you, Gracie.  I recognize that I already was acting the way I did, with lying to you the way I had been doing and I know I can't take it back. As much as I wish I could take it all back, back to when we were both happy together and hearing you laugh, seeing you smile. I thought about a lot of things, things I can't change anymore. I regret a lot of things, you know. I regret being such a coward and completely shutting you off the last month I was gone, I thought I was doing the right thing because I was scared of being committed to just you but  I realized how grim it was. I realized how wrong it was to act like I hadn't done anything wrong and show up here with Celeste knowing I was going to see you especially knowing that you were waiting for me to come back and to commit to us. I really fücked this all up. Not only with you but with my brother, Luke and I haven't been in good terms, he won't direct a single word at me if mum isn't around to push him to say something. I guess I deserve it but Emma you should know he is worried about you, I know he has called you every single night since I got here and I know you don't answer them. He misses you, I know I'm the center of the problem and you're trying to avoid everything that has to do with me but he cares a lot about you, you're his best friend. Can you, at least, call him to let him know you're alive? I- I just don't know what crossed my mind when I got together with Celeste knowing how much I loved you, knowing how much I still love you."