Video Love (The Poofless Epic)

Chapter 34

April 4, 2013 at 11 AM, Sumas, Washington: Preston

So this's what it feels like. Huh. I mean it's weird but I guess it's kinda nice. I could get used to this. My phone buzzes in my pocket and she laughs into my mouth in annoyance. For someone who wants to be internet famous someday, she's got no chill with social media. Like, none. And this's a slow day for me with the Twitter box and she's already getting mad at me for not putting it on silent. I wish she'd just pull a Rob and take a chillax pill or ten and just freakin' relax and... enjoy whatever this's turning into. What is this turning into?

Hannah and me were just sitting - or I guess more like 'laying' because my couch is freakin' huge - here watching some stupid movie where these people were in a plane crash and got lost on a jungle island and everyone started dying then everyone started falling in love with each other then everyone started dying again, and then it started raining and I guess it was supposed to be sad? Anyways, she just kept getting closer and closer, and closer and closer, and closer and closer and closer until she was basically sitting on my lap. And now she's actually on top of me and it feels like she's trying to eat my face off like a zombie. And apparently I'm really not good at this 'cause she keeps laughing all breathy and stuff whenever I try to do something. Not my fault this's my first kiss. Not everyone's kissed seven different people. Not my fault she's a spit connoisseur.

But is it weird I haven't kissed anyone before? I'm not that old to be getting started, right? I mean, I know Merome and Rob and Lachlan's spit's traveled the fricking world, they make out with so many people. And I'm pretty sure they do other stuff all the time, too. Wow. The thought of Jerome making Bacca screeches while he pounds a girl really isn't helping the mood right now. I can actually hear that in my head, like all the screaming and grunting and slapping and slurping and... ugh. I don't even wanna do any of this anymore. Why'd I hafta think of that now of all times? Apparently I got too distracted because Hannah presses into me even more and she's starting to get kinda heavy. It's so warm it's gross. Is this how it always feels when people make out? They just sit on top of each other and breathe their hot, wet breath all over each other's faces and get spit everywhere? I thought this was supposed to be fun and like... sexy? Am I doing it wrong? How do I fix it? How can they make whole movies about people wanting to do this when it's so-

Oh, crap. Holy frick, that's a tongue. That is definitely a tongue. There's a tongue in my mouth and it's not mine. There's officially a girl's tongue in my mouth and I don't know if I like it or not but I'm not gonna tell her to stop or she's gonna get all ticked off at me again for not being affectionate. Crap. That's kinda gross. Like all the bacteria and spit and food particles and stuff that were in her mouth are in my mouth now. That's grody. And it really doesn't taste that good. Nope. Doesn't taste good at all. And it's so big and slimey and bumpy and wiggly it's like I'm tryin' to eat a sea urchin like Choco always orders at that weird Asian restaurant by his new apartment. I've eaten pizzas that were sexier than this and didn't make me feel anywhere near this guilty.

Then she goes deeper. Like, up past my tongue and along the roof of my mouth and she goes so deep I start to feel that tense feeling I get when I'm about to hit my gag reflex with a toothbrush. And the only thing worse than puking all over your girlfriend is puking right in her mouth like she's a baby bird. I think she'd actually kick the crap outta me if I did that.

And I'm sittin' here wondering if that's such a bad thing.

At least then I wouldn't be choking to death on her lizard tongue.

I pull away from her before things can get any worse and she has this teasing smile on her face like she thinks she's more than I can handle. For my first time doing this, I thought I did pretty good. But I can't stop thinking about the big puddle of spit drying around my lips and dripping down my chin. I reach up and wipe it off while she laughs, and she giggles even harder when I realize I'm covered in light pink, sparkly lipstick or lip gloss or lip lotion or whatever the frick she smeared all over our faces. I make sure to wipe it on the side of my hand so it doesn't get all over my shirt sleeve and stain it. I just bought this shirt and it cost me like fifty bucks. It costs to look good, but it's pretty obvious it pays, too. If I dressed like a slob in t-shirts all the time like Rob does, I bet I wouldn't even have a girlfriend. He's gotta step up his game if he ever wants to find a guy. Unless guys don't care as much? I dunno. Guess I'll hafta wait and see how that works. But right now Hannah's looking at me all weird and I hafta do something before my brain leads me off somewhere even weirder than this.