Esoteric // h.s

due

white blood ~ oh wonder

Althea's love at the top :(
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God my head hurt. It was pounding. I sighed as I dragged my suitcase onto the plane, wheels squeaking behind me not making my massive headache any better.

I haven't slept well in a long time. It had been about seven months since Jonah died. And I struggle to get a full nights sleep, nightmares holding me hostage from rest. My dad decided I need a new change of scenery before school starts again, which is complete bullshit because he's never home to begin with. I have to fly alone because he left for England three weeks before me, claiming up and down he was sorry but he had to work.

We have more than enough money. We're extremely wealthy but that isn't enough for him. I love him but I'm in so much pain. And I was alone in it. I had Jonah's parents, mainly his mother who visited me everyday. She'd come, make sure I ate and took care of myself, then made sure I got to school. But now I'm leaving and I don't know when I will see her again.

School was shit. Everyone had something to say about how badly they missed Jonah and how they "knew how I was feeling". I had to stop myself from hitting them or throwing some words that weren't appropriate for school. If they actually knew Jonah and cared about him, they wouldn't have treated him like he wasn't a human being. Plain and simple. I ended up just blocking everyone out. My social life and bubbly personality seemed to be buried with Jonah but I don't mind.

Finding my seat on the plane I threw my carry on in the overhead compartment and put my backpack in the seat next to me. My dad knew I didn't like talking to people nowadays, so he bought me two seats.

This was probably my last time in New York for a while. I was thrown in nostalgia and I felt like if I stayed in any longer I'd suffocate.

I reached down into my book bag pocket and pulled out an envelope. I ran my fingers over the seal. Did I want to open this?

It was a letter Jonah had left me. His mother gave it to me at the funeral, along with his journal but I had yet to read both of them. I just couldn't bring myself to do it. But I was leaving New York, where my last memories with my mom are. My last with Jonah. So I take a deep breath and open it.

Althea,
You know I love you. I feel I've loved you forever. Known you all my life. Lately I haven't been feeling very well, my strong exterior is the opposite of how I feel inside. My heart aches for you but it's barely together. I don't think I can take much more of the harassment, the bullying, the name calling. Truth be told, I'm so tired. I can't shake this feeling like I'm drowning, and I know you care for me more than yourself. I know you'd die for me. You know I'd do anything for you. And I can't take you down this dark path with me. It's my fight and I have to take it alone. My demons are growing and I can't bury them. I've been trying to get better and feel better but I can't do that here. I'm so sorry. No matter how hard I try to fight it off I know I have to go. I know this will hurt you much more than it hurts me, and that makes me feel like I am worth nothing. People may have hurt me but you have always been by my side. My rock when I am floating. The three years I have spent with you have been the best three years of my life, that's one thing I'm certain about. I wouldn't change it for anything. Please be safe. Do not drench yourself in sadness like you tried to do with your mother. Find new experiences, find new love. I know you won't forget about me, please let yourself be happy. The world won't go on without your beautiful smile that lights up the world like the sun. The world is a shitty place. You're too good for it. You're too good for me, you're to good for anyone. Please know I tried very hard to stay and that you are my one and only. My everything. I will miss you with everything I have and a little more. I love you. I always will. Come un raggio di sole hai illuminato la mia vita. Like a ray of light you have warmed my life. I love you so much.
                       Jonah

When I finish the letter I'm a wreck. I don't wanna lose it on the plane, it literally just took off. God my hands are shaking and my plan to stay calm is wasting away.

My hands drop the envelope and I curse before dropping to pick it up. When I finally get it from under the stupid fucking seat something silver falls out of it. I grab it delicately and hold it up to the light. It was a necklace. But not just any necklace.
It was Jonah's.

I could feel my heart crumbling. I gave him this necklace, I remember exactly the day because he had been in such a mood because of the kids at school. I was supposed to give it to him for his birthday but I couldn't wait. Seeing him in such a melancholy state ripped me into pieces. I felt everything he did. It was a silver necklace with a dog tag with our saying on it. "Come un raggio di sole hai illuminato la mia vita" had been scrawled across it with our initials underneath.

I found my legs moving before I could think towards the bathroom. Collapsing in front of the toilet I spilled out all the food in my stomach, necklace clasped in one hand and other holding my hair back. Tears pouring out my eyes.

Wiping and rinsing my mouth, I looked in the mirror to see someone I did not recognize. My eyes were red from crying, and my skin was pale. Taking a deep breath I put the necklace around my neck and placed my hands on either side of the sink.

"I can do this" I whispered to myself. My head was worse than before and I just felt like my whole world was gone. I had felt that on a minor scale when my mother died, God did I miss her. Jonah leaving turned it to a major. And that's the worse thing.

To watch your whole world fall apart in front of your eyes. And not be able to do anything about it.

Asleep in the next room while my mother took her last breath.

On the phone while the love of my life took his life.

It was all too much.

Losing my strength I slid down the wall, head in my hands and knees pulled up to my chest.

"I can't do this" I whispered.

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Poor Althea :( life is too harsh on her

Tnx for reading 👼🏽

All the love 💓