Snow |lgbt|

Rooftops and High Drops

A/n: okay so there is swearing in this chapter and I'm not really the kind of person who swears, so I feel the need to explain. Ryan is a character and in no way is he a reflection of me. I could take out the swears, but then Ryan wouldn't be the person I imagine. Also pay close attention to the way Alice acts around him rather than Natalie. Yeah....

We sat on the roof of the Holiday Inn, almost freezing to death, Ryan smoking and me crying. As our feet dangled dangerously off the edge of the building, I told him what happened the day before. I explained what had occurred between Natalie and I, from the cookies to the tree house to the phone call. For the first time in all the years I'd known him, Ryan didn't interrupt. After I'd finished telling him everything, as tears escaped my eyes, he silently offered me a cigarette. At first I hesitated, but I guess it was a night of firsts for both of us because I accepted. I leaned over as he lit it for me. I let the smoke fill my lungs and immediately dropped it to the ground, rubbing my heel on it. He raised his eyebrow at me and I blew smoke rings like he'd done earlier.
"Not bad." He said, turning back to face the half-lit city. The power was still off in some places, and buildings dotted the
skyline.
"How the hell do you smoke those things?" I asked. He laughed coldly.
"That's your second time swearing this fine evening - morning I mean."
"You didn't answer my question."
He sighed and stood up on the edge of the roof. While balancing dangerously close to falling, he spread one arm out, finished his cigarette with the other, dropped it, and spread both arms out titanic-style. I watched him, unsure if he was going to jump, unsure if I wanted to stop him.
"You're going to get us in trouble."
He ignored me and lifted one foot off the ground so he was balancing on the other.
"Come on, that's enough." I was starting to get worried. Ryan closed his eyes.
"That's it. Get down right now." I stood up, ready to physically pull him down if that's what it came to. I wasn't going to get arrested on his account- again.

Before I could think Ryan brought his hands to a cross in front of his chest as if he was in a casket, turned around, and started falling backwards off the building. I screamed and grabbed is leather jacket, pulling him in. He stumbled forward, after a moment shrugged, brushed himself off, and reached in his pocket to get out another cigarette.
"Rather I do that instead?"
"What?!" I asked, breathless. Ryan's near suicide attempt seemed to be affecting me more than him.
"That's why I smoke," he responded, as if it was obvious.
"You smoke because you want to kill yourself?"
"I smoke 'cuz I like killing myself. See, you think you got problems. Your daddy is sad and your mommy's dead. Ya know, my daddy, my daddy don't give a shit about me. Only thing he cares about is beer. Does your daddy drink shavin' cream cuz he can't afford the booze? Do you have ta hide your 'rettes from your daddy cuz if ya don't," he pulled up the sleeve of his shirt to reveal a burn scar in the size of a cigarette butt. I stared at it, not knowing how to respond. He scoffed and pulled his sleeve back down.
"See, when your momma died, the whole damn town came to the ol' courthouse and said I should be locked up for life. When my momma died," his voiced cracked, "the only person who gave a shit was Mr. Smith cuz he runs the funeral home and my daddy couldn't pay for his own wife ta be buried."
Ryan collected himself then opened his cigarette box.
"Empty," he stated, and dropped it. We both watched it fall to the street below and proceed to get run over by the few cars that were out. He opened his mouth to say something and I stood up, not wanting to have this conversation with Ryan. We were both quiet as I walked to the door leading inside.
"Hey, Alice?"
I turned around and raised my eyebrows.
"Never mind."

•••

I let myself in with the key under the fourth flower pot from the door, making sure to put it back exactly as I'd found it. I took off my cold, wet sweatshirt and shoved it to the bottom of my dirty clothes basket. I climbed in bed and went to sleep. I had a dream.

"Alice?"
A voice echoed through pitch blackness.
"ALICE!"
I spun around and saw Natalie standing on the edge of the Holiday Inn roof just like Ryan had. It seemed like so long ago that had happened. She repeated all his actions until she was about to fall, with no one there to prevent her from doing so.
"What are you doing?!"
I screamed and tried to run to her but my feet were stuck to the floor.
I looked up at her and tried to move. Nothing was happening until I suddenly jolted forward and was in a car. It was snowing and the roads where icy. I saw someone in the road. I couldn't stop. I tried everything. It was as if I was living in slow motion. I stomped on the gas until my ankle broke. I pulled on the steering wheel in a desperate attempt to swerve, burning my hands on the leather. Then - impact. The windows of the car shattered around me. I felt the shards of glass cut into my skin and blood all over my body. I didn't know if it was mine, and that terrified me. I screamed.

I woke up screaming, sheets drenched with sweat, and my father rushing into my room.