Don't Read Me

I'm Too Critical

People I know in real life know, I'm very obsessed with my grades. For the last week or two, I haven't written much because I was too stressed about finals. It isn't even that I was studying for all of that time, the stress was just sapping out all of my creativity.

Now, some pressure is good. It's important to be motivated in your studies, but its gotten ridiculous. Last semester, we got a list of top freshman GPA's. I was second, tied with my close friend. We both had 4.3/ Outside I was smiling, and joking with her about how we were one person, but internally I was kicking myself over not being on the top of the list. I understood that second was great, but to me, it wasn't good enough. 

This semester (my school is split into two semester with four classes each), I took Mandarin, a really difficult class. And by really difficult, I mean I have an A- last quarter and i ended up with an A (Not an A+). My friend who I was tied with took Spanish and she's good with languages and words, so she naturally got better grades than me in that class while the rest of our grades remained similar. Today, our GPA's were updated, and mine was 4.275 while hers stayed the same. My final hasn't been posted, but it won't bring my GPA back up to being equal with her. I'm not bitter about her having a better grade than me, she deserves  that GPA. I'm just mad at myself for not doing better. I put myself to unrealistic standards and I know they are unrealistic, but I don't stop.

In my mind, if I'm not the best, there is no point. And that isn't a healthy way to think, but here I am stuck in this mindset. My brain is all I have. I'm terrible with emotions, and I can hardly do a push up. If I'm not smart, then my brain tells me I'm a waste of space.

I need to learn to think some other way. Hopefully, a healthier way. I will say I'm one of the best math students in my campus. Numbers are my friend.  I got the "Most Outstanding" for both math classes I took this year. Don't get me wrong, I'm happy I got them, but with the way I think, I should be trying for those rewards in all of my classes. 

I need to learn to be less critical on myself. It's not like this behavior is learnt or anything. My parents are super chill about my grades. All of the pressure comes from me, and that probably is making it worse. 

So if anyone was wondering why I didn't write any Ghastly chapters, this is why.