Letters of my Life. (A Skip Beat! Fanfic)

Chapter 8

She sighed, she knew she should probably stop and think about everything she had learnt but truly did she want to? Did she want to think that Ren, the one man who made her feel safe, the one guy she had successfully acted out love with, had lied to her? Did she really want him to be her fairy prince? But this dark past, the darkness she had seen within him when they acted as the Heel siblings, how could that be ignored? How else could it be explained? The letters, his darkness it all seemed to fit somehow.

Reaching over, she grabbed number 18

"Kyoko-chan"

Well there are four left. You can do this Kyoko! Chin up only four to go and then we will think, then we will look at what we know.

The stationery was the same as the last two, the same neat writing in perfect Japanese script.

Well, here goes nothing...

Kyoko-chan,

I'm trying to decide if I'm going mad or if I'm just delusional. There is a very pretty woman in my bed and all I can think about is writing this letter to a young girl who I don't even know if she remembers me or if I will ever see her again. I no longer have anyone to tell me to write these letters. Each year I do send them to my grandfather but there is no one making me sit here on the 25th December telling me I must present the letter today. Still it's almost like a burning need inside me to do so.

I lay there in bed, a nagging irritation in the back of my mind like there was something there just bursting to escape. It wasn't until I sat down at my desk and started writing this letter to you that the feeling went away. Isn't it mad how much writing these letters to you means to me? I wonder do you still have my sapphire stone? Are you happy? Are you well? Did you ever get your so called prince to love you in return Kyoko-chan? Though in a letter like this I think it is safe to say from what you told me that he isn't worthy of you and that I hope he never breaks your heart.

My year has been a whirlwind of work, work and more work, but I've loved every single minute of my acting career. How could I have ever said professionalism is stupid? You know I've made a pretty good name for myself about always being on time? It's such a silly little thing but it makes me so happy. 'The Never Late King' some people have even called me, it makes me really happy. I no longer struggle with my mask it's as if this is who I have always been or maybe who I was meant to become? I don't know but guess who is on his road to becoming the number one actor in Japan? I've grown up a lot in such a short time not only mentally but physically too or so I've been told. I still train daily and work out. You know sometimes when I train I think maybe one day I will fly for you once more? Isn't that strange how much you still invade my thoughts.

I still haven't spoken to my mom and dad. Sometimes I think about picking up the phone when I realise it has been three years already since we last spoke. What are you supposed to say after three years apart? Will they even accept me as a son anymore? Or have I made it clear I'm no longer a part of their family? I don't speak of this to anyone, but I think sometimes Boss understands and he will let out snippets of private talks he has had with my parents, even making me laugh when he told me Mom calls him kidnapper-kun. I'm really working hard and next year I hope will be the best year yet for me career wise. Boss has hinted at some big things coming up for me in the near future so I really hope that I'm on the upwards climb now.

Boss said you sometimes have to hit rock bottom before you can climb to the top, so maybe I've started on my way up the mountain again.

It seems with my new found looks that Rmandy wants more of my time, but Yashiro does an amazing job keeping me in check. I swear even if he can't use computers or technology his brain is like a mini hyper unit anyway. The amount of knowledge and data he stores away, he really is amazing though sometimes I catch him looking at me. Lately, he will ask me more personal questions, though not in a bad way. Now that we are good friends it seems he is more comfortable asking about my past. What do I tell him Kyoko-chan? Do I tell him that I murdered my last best friend? (tear stains litter the lower part of the page) I really shouldn't think about it. The boss is always telling me that is not my past now, that is not who I am now, but sometimes in the dark of the night or when I'm alone I still see it, all of it. His body bleeding and Tina screaming. I still hear her voice calling me a murderer.

How could I ever forget what I've done? He says forget it, but how is that even possible? After Rick's death his parents wanted to give me a keepsake of their son. They gave me his watch, it was something special to him and his wonderful mother gave it to me, his murderer! It's like a shackle Kyoko-chan. I say I have a woman in my bed, but I find myself sitting here wondering how long this one will last? How long will she stand beside a man who can never love her? Because it's true. I don't deserve love, not after what I did. I don't deserve to love so why do I keep doing this to myself, Kyoko-chan? Why do I bring them home? Why do I try to love them all when really I know its not truly going to happen? And it's only when I'm writing these blasted letters that I see all of me? The good, the bad, it all comes to my head when I sit down and write to you.

I had never really thought about it til now, but maybe Aunt Toshi was right? Maybe I am cursed. After I gave my sapphire to you, maybe I will never truly find love again. Even if one day I did deserve it, who could match up to that little girl at the creek?

I hope you are OK, Kyoko-chan and I bet you are growing into the most beautiful girl in the world. You will be 14 tonight, you know I've always written these letters on the 25th and never even stopped to think to wish you Happy Birthday. I have done so now and I hope you have had a wonderful day.

Again Happy Birthday, Kyoko-chan,

Me

There was nothing left in Kyoko to think with or feel. Her body,soul and mind had reached a point now that she was exceptionally calm. She had been through the full range of emotions: happiness, sadness, anger, jealousy and so many more and she had reached a point where she was just there. A higher place where she could just look on and not have to think or feel she just had to do her job. Dropping the letter on the read pile, she put her hand straight to the next letter number 19 and two to go.