Memiors From Beneath

Panda Heartstroke

Guilt, irritation and jealousy prodded at my stomach each time I saw them together. I was in shock. I knew all the facts, but it hadn't sunk in until I saw her holding the stuffed panda. What would have been MY panda if the twist in events hadn't occurred. That morning I had sat away from them. Valentine's Day was different this year. Normally if you didn't have a sweet heart, you have your friends, but this year I had neither.

I felt worthless and not good enough when I thought over the situation. My stomach twisted - almost as if it was trying to win a knitting contest with my insides. Why had he chosen her? There were the obvious reasons; she was funny, tough and beautiful, while I have always been weird, disheveled, and cute. Cute, I hated that word, it meant I was an adorable thing to look at but hot, sexy, and serious didn't apply. I may be a playful and bubbly person but if something important or serious comes up, my maturity surfaces. I liked him, and he had liked me. When did this change? Was I just too oblivious to the signs? And still the hardest thing is to see her hold that bear. It's not that I was vain and just want a teddy bear, it's the knowledge that two weeks previous he mentioned the present he had gotten for me. It hurt knowing it was mine, but he had decided that it better fit my best friend - he better fit my best friend.

"Charity!" a shrill voice called, bringing me out of my reverie. And there they were, holding hands. "Where have you been? I haven't seen you at lunch in a few days." called Karrissa.

"I've just been around you know. Making up tests" I lied. In truth I had been avoiding the lunchroom as if it had become a lava pit. I didn't want to get burned. It wasn't my favorite thing to see them. My mind scrambled. I needed an excuse to leave. I could lie again - but I had never been a good liar. Lying makes my voice becomes false and high making me sound like a pissed off barbie doll.

Jacob stood there unmoving and silent. I still couldn't look him in the face. What would I see? Anger, contempt, pity or joy? All would be horribly painful. The only thing I could do to keep myself from sneaking a glance was to concentrate on Karrissa and pretend he wasn't even there. She looked good today. She had worn her long hair down, it reminded me of the painted desert. The different strains of red and brown cascaded over her shoulders. Despite my hurt Karissa's was still my friend - my first friend here in fact.

"When are we going to have our Lord of the Rings marathon?"

How could she act so cooly? She knew that I had been romantically involved with him. It's almost like she wanted to pretend he and I had never known one another. Either way she was far easier to talk to at the moment.

"Not sure. Sometime soon." I muttered. I dug my hand and to my bag and pulled out his beanie. I was always borrowing his jacket or his hats It was a thing we had. I balled it up and shoved it into his chest, whether or not he grabbed it I'm not sure. I couldn't keep it anymore, it was a constant reminder of what I couldn't have. What was no longer mine. What I suppose was never mine. I strode down the hallway determined not to look back.

'Where are you going?" Karrissa yelled after me.

I kept going - only able to breathe after I had reached the stairs. I pressed my back up against the wall and dropped my bag at my side. How was I going to heal from this? I wanted to stay their friend. I felt foolish and used. The feeling of shame is different when only you and the inflicter know. I wanted to both scream and cry - but I held it in- it would be awfully odd to do so in school. The whole thing seemed so trivial, why was I so upset over a silly boy. I sighed and gathered my things. I had so much crap to carry.

Karissa had always let me use her locker - I was always too chicken to get my own. I trudged up the stairs to put away my heavy jacket, getting the combination right the first try put me up in the clouds. That only made the fall harder when I opened the door to see the lovely panda bear staring at me. Its eyes were large and black- they seemed to go on forever. Its fur looked so soft, I lifted my hand to stroke its cheek. My heart didn't sink - that's too gentle a word - my heart dove into the depths to land smack on the ground. Without leaving my jacket I slammed the locker and left while the humiliation crept into my skin. Students milled around the halls unsuspecting of the emotional turmoil inside me. Jacob may not have been mine but no one could doubt that something had been between us. It is a terrible situation in which I knew not what to do. Maybe I deserved it, I wasn't woman enough for him in the end and how could I deny my best friend some love. I couldn't find a reason why I would be the better choice but some day I'd like to be the better choice. I wanted someone to want me for me.

The late bell sang out into the echoey halls, that were near empty now. I rushed to my class and entered thankful the teacher hadn't noticed that I'd crept in. I was thankful for the distraction of debate. It was easier to breathe when I was concentrating on something else.

The teacher hummed his instructions to the class, though the students were paying very little attention. It was all pretend. Teenagers pretend they're fine until they're nothing close to fine.

I just could not wait to get on the bus to go home and crawl into bed. I hoped he wouldn't be on the bus. I was fairly certain if he was it would be my breaking point. I wouldn't be able to handle that. The balled up emotions would explode.