Memiors From Beneath

The End Our Whirl

Glass seems to shatter in my mind. My world falling to the floor in tiny pieces. I couldn't believe what I was hearing. She hadn't meant to tell me. She was under the impression that I already knew. I knew pieces of it anyway. He said he had gone far but to connect with someone in the act of sex is a sacred and personal thing. I knew he had been far but I had no comprehension that he had gone so very far.
Things he had told before became sharp edges in the pile of glass. So many lies that I was connecting to the ultimate lie. I bore my heart to him - let him know me - my darkest fears and desires. He knew my hopes my dreams my beliefs and yet he chose to hide this thing that he had done. I am hurt less by what the action was - though that still stung - but by the lies he had told to hide his indiscretion.
I care little for how someone looks - or how they dress - where they come from - or what they have. I love the soul in people, how they react to things, how they treat others. I love to know their story, why they have become who they are and who they plan to become.
When someone lies to you it makes you question whether anything they have said was honest. Was their favorite color actually blue?
I understand that it was not cheating. I have made that very clear; however it was rather cruel what he did, how he behaved. His apologies mean so little now. too little too late.
I cannot see him now. I want to hurt him despite myself. I want to do and say terrible things. I want revenge. I want him to feel the knives of betrayal in his back. And I hate that. I despise that I have something so vicious inside me -threatening at any moment to explode. I have never wanted to cause others pain in return for my pain and it scares me. That is not who I want to be.
He is still special to me even after what he'd done.