Ashes

The Best Joke Ever

A Dream. I can see myself standing at the edge of an unknown world. I can feel my hair having a weird contact with what it might be called as a mixture of rain, ice and an essence of cool breeze. It was going to be dark very soon and the only companion I had at that moment, was myself. Well no matter what, it was quite obvious for me to feel this way. It all looked different. It felt like revolution. Probably, it was one of those moments which make a person feel that thinking shall take place. I was done with everything.

The railing seemed to be the only support I had. Looking back at the boat just made me realize as to what I had done. It was one of those times where everything you had, ever done, flashes past in front of you. My mind proved to be my biggest enemy. Random hallucinations made it even worse for me to spend any second with myself. I was walking towards the boat. There was no doubt that I was covered in sand and that I was starving. Sometimes life sets boundaries for you, it makes you realize as to who you are, where you belong and what you are supposed to do, but how ironic it is when life sets situations that make you break those boundaries. Literally investigating inside the refrigerator room made me put tick marks on the non-edible stuff like grease, rat kill, empty beer bottles and wrappers of biscuits and fruit cakes.

Tears started to roll down my cheeks. It was all over again. I fell on my knees realising the fact that I was away from home. People say that it is important to give time to everything be it work,family,love or friends. But how can you love someone when you don't have a heart? How can you support your family when you don't have time? How cynical can you be to stay away from your friends? How incomplete you are to achieve anything in life? It can just be said that sometimes the journey that you have planned doesn't turn out the way you want it to. If being a rebellion is the solution to our problems then let it be because in reality sooner or later all we can do is accept things happening around us.

Home just made me remind about the happy times I had. I am a prisoner of my own imaginations. It felt like I am battling with a super natural power probably knowing the fact that I was going to lose. "How could you? How could you? How could you!!" was something that I could only recall amongst all the screaming going inside my head. Then, I decided to never close my eyes until I got home. It was the longest sunset I had ever experienced. You could describe my life as a fallen piece in a game of chess.

This is not the first time I am having this dream. Every time I visit my therapist, she tells me to repeat this same story again and again. It's peculiar that my dream has no climax but only highlights of some factual details of a situation. I am only 17, and I am having this dream for about a year now. Not only am I desperate about finding myself a distraction by obviously not thinking about it but I have even started making sketches of the characters inside my head too. Was I lost? Does my existence matter? Am I living?

Well people of my age worry about clearing high school and spend most of their time in preparing for their college resumes, but I guess I am divergent in this quest for a "perfect future". I believe that there can be a picture perfect way of living life, but it's quite ironic that though we know that this kind of life is out there, somewhere, we always prefer living that kind of life which we are going to regret, someday.

Well visiting a therapist was my last option but I guess I needed a place where I could rest my senses in solace and for once have someone who actually understood my situation. Everything was going fine a year ago. And by fine I mean literally very good. I was having the time of my life, hanging out with friends, meeting new people and for a change, studying! High school was my kingdom. People loved my company. I was happy. At home, dad was doing his best with his new venture and mom was just consistent by being at her best. My younger brother scored straight A's for the third time I guess. Everyone was just living the dream. I guess this was the picture perfect life that I had ever imagined.

It was mom's birthday. My brother and I had called some friends over. Dad had planned this birthday for a long time and he was just about to add the finishing touch to this awesome day by baking the cake at my grandma's place and even making the supper all by himself. He even called mom's friends over. The best part was that all of us were hiding at our neighbor's and mom was out at her mom's place. We told her that a common friend of ours shared the same birthday and so we had to go. Dad had called his in laws two days earlier and had explained that they are supposed to come over for dinner with mom. It felt like every moment passing by could be added to one of my best memories ever.

At around 7, Mr. Anderson from the local police department had called. I was busy with everyone, planning some random game we were about to play when mom gets home. All the cards and gifts were laying on the floor. Wrapping papers and tapes were scattered all over the floor. I somehow made my way into the loo. Firstly, I was a little surprised about the fact that a policeman is calling me up at 7 that to on my mom's birthday. Was I going to be undercover or was he just going to wish my mom? Like a cop, he confirmed if I was Mr Cooper's son. Then, with a slightly disappointing tone he said, "I am sorry to inform you that Mr. Cooper no longer lives. He met with an accident. His car was hit by a van. I am really sorry for your loss. Please come and pay a visit soon. Thank you and I am sorry."

The first thing that came into my mind was a memory. I was 7, when I first learned how to ride a bicycle. I still remember the day when dad brought it home. It was evening and I was busy watching some silly television cartoon. I knew that it was the time when he would come back from his office. The doorbell rang and in no time I managed to be the first one to greet him. He looked at me and gave me the world's happiest gesture by smiling and hugging me. Then he slowly put me down, bent over and leaned near my right ear. He whispered that I am about to receive a surprise. Now if you tell a seven year old about a surprise that to coming from his father, it would be nothing but everything to him. He slowly walked in the house and behind him was my first bicycle. For the first time in my life I felt like I had conquered all the realms and fantasies of the universe. That moment made me realize as to how much small things matter and of most, cherishing them leaves you this little smile on your face that ceases the entire moment.

Why do I try to recall this memory? Why do I dwell in the past which is definitely not going to return? My father always told me this one thing and every time he told this, I saw a man speaking to his son. He said this to me whenever I left for school or for a basketball match or anytime when anything special or important was going to happen in my life. He said, "The best part about anything, is the moment before it starts. Live life." Though sometimes his conversations did not make sense at all but he surely knew how to end them. When we are small, every other thing we experience makes us older. Innocence is probably the only strength we posses. People used to look over what we said and what we did. They used to be happy and satisfied in our happiness. They used to laugh with us and even sometimes do things to make us laugh. Does growing up snatch our power of remaining special in people's lives? Not only does this memory make me realize that I am a resident of a world full of transient happiness but even makes me strong enough to fortify myself with meaningless walls of selfishness and loneliness.

My pillar, my dad was gone. When darkness comes, all of us are alone. We crave to find people to hold us. Sometimes we find them and sometimes we don't. We promise ourselves to never let them go. We realize their importance in our lives. Love is something which is eternal, strong and desired by all. How ironic it is that the toughest thing to acquire makes you a person who is incapable of being loved and by the time you have one, does it really matter to you if it's there or not when it doesn't even effect or feel you. Not only does one heartbreak make you carry this million ton weight every time you see the morning sunshine but even makes you so hollow from the inside that you are even scared to think in that direction. I am probably carrying this weight for almost a year I imagine. Next month, it's mom's birthday. Funny! isn't it?