I'm more than just a number

17th of May 2014

                  

This was translated from Arabic, written by Abdel-Rahman after he learnt that their hearing was postponed to the 17th of May, 2014.

"A lost dream, and a dying hope look back at me from my reflection on the handcuffs around my wrist, inside the prisoners transport vehicle where murderers and thieves sat before me, and where others like them will sit afterwards.

I remember when I reached the summit of my hopes and put my flag on top. The bright future was smiling at me, and I felt like I owned the world. Then, without any warnings, it felt like I tripped and fell down the mountain that was built from my ambitions and dreams. I saw it crumble in front me till I reached the ugly bottom. I laid there unseeing, wondering if I'll ever climb to the top again. Will I ever get back my humanity and feelings after I lost them?

Then I feel insignificant when I look at my handcuffs and see them connected to my father's wrist. My heart gets twisted by pain and it bleeds when I remember that he suffers much more than me. My pain increases tenfold when I see his declining health, and his depression that increases every day from the bad news and crises that comes raining on us, and that crippling feeling of helplessness.

Then I remember my mother's face and her continuous crying, and her heartache from losing her eldest son and her husband only one month after the death of her father. The whole responsibility for my brother, and sister fell to her. I remember her exhaustion, and the suffering she goes through just to visit us. Her humiliation at the hands of half-humans with no conscience. Her effort to cover up her tears so that she wouldn't add to our suffering. I see in my mind's eye my sister starting her most important year in school, and my little brother growing up and getting taller till he's taller than me. I see it all and my heart is torn apart. A great feeling of helplessness explodes within me, that I want to cry but I find no tears to shed. I don't know if my tears are dried up or if I became numb. I see us approaching a judge that we are sure of his unfairness and he sentences us to years of unjust imprisonment. I try to fool myself by wishing that Allah would make him see the light so that he would give us our freedom. Then I laugh at my innocence and naivety.

I almost lose hope so I ask Allah to forgive me for doubting Him. Allah, it's getting harder, and harder.

Allah, the night lasted for so long, so make the dawn come quicker.

And I tell myself: a moon will shine from my darkness."