Scarlett

Torturous

torturous
/ˈtôrCH(ə)rəs/
tor·tur·ous
characterized by, involving, or causing excruciating pain or suffering.

Iris. I can't stop thinking about her. As much as I tried, I couldn't get her bright blue eyes out of my head.

It was torturous.

I didn't want to admit that I has developed a crush, not even to myself. It was sick, gross. I couldn't have a crush on a girl.

But I couldn't help it.

~

I woke up the next morning to remember the one thing I dreaded most.

High School.

No, it's not the boring lessons and piles of homework or running a mile every week that gets me.

Being around my peers is the most uncomfortable thing ever.

It's like they know and they're all watching me and judging me. They're all thinking it's the gay girl who cuts, it's the freak.

I know they don't. They probably don't even notice I exist most of the time. But the constant feeling of millions of eyes laid on my back is always there and I hate it.

That's why I hate school.

I threw my bag over my shoulder as I walked through the doors. I immediately felt the eyes and stares that most likely didn't exist. I looked down at the floor to try and avoid any kind of eye contact with anyone.

If I can't see them, they can't see me.

I know it's not true, but that's what I tell myself. If I don't look at them, they have a lesser chance of looking at me.

I kept my head down and tried not to be noticed as I turned to my locker.

I hate this. I hate having my back turned because everybody could be looking at me and I wouldn't be able to tell because my back is turned. This always nags at my thoughts and I can never focus on anything else.

"Scarlett!" I heard a familiar voice call. I turned to see the blue eyes I had been thinking off the whole day before.

Iris.

She's in my school?

I suddenly felt tongue-tied and had no way to respond. In any other situation I would have some sort of clever or at least reasonable response, but I couldn't bring myself to speak.

"Hey," was the only word I could scramble up.

"I can't believe we go to school together! This is great! Now we can be official friends!" Iris cheered, as she smiled brightly. All I could do was smile back as I felt the butterflies flutter furiously in my stomach, "hey, what's your first class?"

"Uh, I, uh, have economics first, Henderson." I managed to get out in only the most awkward way possible.

"I have economics first too! Let's walk to class together, common'," she grabbed my arm and led the way to our class. I felt my face turn Crimson at her touch as I walked along with her to class.

~

It was torturous.

I couldn't stand being around her.

I turned into this flustered, tongue-tied, stuttery idiot who didn't know how to function. I got this feeling in my stomach that made me feel sick and it wouldn't go away.

It was torturous.

I'm usually fairly good in class. I don't get the best grades, but I still pass. And I at least pay attention.

I was just staring at Iris the whole time. I couldn't stop. I had no idea what the teacher was talking about. All I could think about was the girl sitting a few desks away from me.

She told me that she wanted to sit next to me in class, but fortunately, we had assigned seats so that did not happen.

My thoughts were interrupted by the ringing of the bell. I quickly stood and gathered my things, but Iris was already by my side before I could even move.

God, how does she do that?

We walked out of class together, but our next class was different so we ended up going our separate ways.

She somehow managed to always talk to me in the hallways in between classes and she sat with me at lunch.

I honestly don't know why she always talks to me. It's not like her first impression of me was anything to be proud of.

I can't help but think that it's just from guilt. She probably just feels bad for me. I doubt she actually likes me. Why would she?

At the end of the day, she came up to me as I was packing my things at my locker.

"Hey, Scarlett! I was wondering if you wanted to hang out sometime. Maybe even now, we could study together, if you want. What do you-"

"Why?" I don't know what had gotten into, but I couldn't stop. "Why do you want to hang out with me? Do you even like me? Or do you just feel bad for me? You really don't have to, because I'm fine. You don't have to pretend."

"But I do-" she started.

"I'll see you tomorrow, Iris," I said coldly as I rushed out of the building.

I hated doing that, but I know this is for the better. She won't have to pretend to like me anymore. She could make better friends that won't be a burden.

It's also better for me. I can't fall for her. If I fall I'll get hurt. Everytime she smiles at me, it's like she's peeling off each of my fingers from the cliff that I'm holding onto for dear life.

I need to be able to regain my grip, and this way, I will.