Taking Hits

Chapter 20: With Us Together?

Troye had been staying at Connor's for a month. By now, he was getting a little homesick, despite Con's continual attention. He needed to see his parents and siblings again, and to take care of some things back home. He'd also been writing quite a bit lately, and he was eager to meet up with a couple fellow songwriters in Australia to finalize the songs and then start recording some new stuff.

Connor had walked him into the airport. There was still some time before the flight left. Troye pulled Connor to the side, away from the crowded lobby. "Con, I have to talk to you about something..." he started, already sounding nervous.

"Sure, Troye, anything," Connor encouraged. He tried to read Troye's eyes, but the other boy was looking down now.

"I've been thinking about this a lot the past few days, and you know, this whole month has been great - it's been amazing, Con. I haven't had any panic attacks, I've hardly gotten any kind of anxiety, you were able to snap me out of any of the bad days... and I just, I feel better than I have in a long time."

Connor smiled at him. "I'm glad, Troye," he said.

"This is always the hard part though - leaving," Troye continued. "Especially like this, with us... I mean..."

"With us together?" Connor offered.

Troye nodded, still looking down. "I always thought I'd be able to do a long distance relationship, but it's so hard, Con... It hurts worse than I ever imagined."

"Troye..." Connor stepped forwards to comfort him, but Troye put his hands up and maintained his distance.

"And there's another thing too, Con," Troye said, trying to keep his voice even. "I realized that on those bad days... or when I start having anxiety or a panic attack or whatever... I need to be the one to snap myself out of it."

"I've been way too dependent on you, Con, and I know you're not always gonna be there. I need to be able to do this myself." Troye looked up and met Connor's eyes for the first time. "I have to try to be ok on my own."

Troye maintained eye contact until Connor spoke again. "I know, you're right. That's a great idea, babe," he said approvingly.

"No, Connor," Troye spoke, looking down again. "Like, on my own on my own. Like, by myself... completely." Connor still looked confused. "As a... single person," Troye said, still trying to beat around the bush because it'd be way too hard to come right out and say.

Connor met his eyes, trying to hide a flash of emotion that left them more watery than usual. "You mean..." he mumbled, just now figuring out exactly what Troye was saying.

"I'll still call, Con, I promise. I just... need some time."

The other boy's heart was breaking. If the airport wasn't so loud, he swore you would have been able to hear it echoing through the gigantic space. He felt small, like the rest of the world was so far away and he was just floating around, lost in the vastness of everything.

"Are you sure?" Connor asked, trying to keep his voice from trembling. He blinked hard, telling himself he had to be strong for Troye, no matter what.

"I have to try being strong on my own," Troye maintained. "I think I'm ready."

"Sometimes it's ok to need someone," Connor said quietly, carrying blind hope that it would somehow change his mind. He knew Troye still cared, which made this bearable, and he wanted Troye to try this - he really did - but he still thought it was too soon.